


Coal And Ice

by DaydreamDestiel



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: 16-17ish), Age Difference, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst With A Happy End, Art, Blow Jobs, Blowjobs, Bottom Jensen, Boys In Love, Broken Hearts, Christmas, College AU, Depression, Fingering, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, M/M, Polyamory, Smoking, Smut and Angst, So much angst, Threesome, Top Jared, Top Misha, Underage Drinking, dirty talking, grad student Misha, handjobs, happy poly ending, hurt!Jensen, mentions of bondage, prescription pain pill abuse, suicidal ideation (in vague terms), underage sex (past
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-16
Updated: 2017-11-16
Packaged: 2019-01-30 11:38:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 40,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12652803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DaydreamDestiel/pseuds/DaydreamDestiel
Summary: University didn't start with a bang for Jensen Ackles. It didn't start with fanfare and excitement and it didn't start with the one thing in the world he actually wanted: Jared Padalecki.What it started with was a broken heart and boatload of depression. Without the one person he'd always been able to count on because Jared had gone to school in California and left him behind.Convinced he'd never recover, Jensen barely made it through most days until a chance encounter at the campus bookstore led him to someone who helped him come gradually back to life. Misha was Jensen's second chance at happiness.Until a twist of fate brought his first chance back into his life and forced Jensen to realize that he'd never really gotten over Jared. Not all the way. And he might never.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys! This fic was amazing to write. I loved the art for this fic from the second I laid eyes on it and was lucky enough to get my top choice. It was hectic, trying to get this done on a short deadline and do the story in my mind justice, but I think it came out beautifully and I hope you love it as much as I do. 
> 
> Fun fact: The title, Coal And Ice actually came from a thesaurus search for a word that meant fundamental, essential, necessity. Coal and ice stuck out and I was like, yeah, that's the title. :D
> 
> Art for this fic by the crazy awesome talented [@dollarformyname](https://dollarformyname.livejournal.com) can be found here: [Art Post](https://dollarformyname.livejournal.com/85888.html). She was amazing to work with and her enthusiasm for the story was a huge motivator in getting it done as fast and as well as I was able to do it. So thank you for your inspiration and support. And thank you for the beautiful art you made. I'm so, so, so glad I claimed your art. <3<3<3 
> 
> Please go give her some love for her beautiful work. She deserves it. <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone's interested in gonna stick my playlist for certain chapters in the notes. 
> 
> This chapter I listened to: 
> 
> I Don't Wanna Love Somebody Else- A Great Big World  
> This Goodbye- Beth Crowley  
> Thinking Of You- Katy Perry

* * *

The last two months had been completely brutal. Were _still_ brutal. Like someone’d ripped out a part of Jensen, stomped all over it, dumped kerosene on top, lit it on fire and shoved it back inside of him, still smoldering. Just existing hurt. Nevermind that he had to drag himself to classes, that he’d needed to find and keep a part-time job just to afford tuition, room and board. Most days he felt like even leaving his room was way too much to ask of him.

Since September he'd made exactly no friends at his university, because he didn't think his manager at the coffee shop counted. Had barely said a grand total of five words to the other people on his floor, and had dodged his RA at every opportunity. Interacting with people just took too much out of him.

He wished he wasn't so pathetic. That he could be like every other goddamn freshman, excited to be out on their own. Excited for fucking anything, but he was too wrapped up in the soul-deep loneliness that threatened to crush him daily.

A messed up jumble of disappointment, betrayal, and painful longing that made everything around him seem bleak. That left him staring at old text messages and missing something he'd almost taken for granted his whole damn life. Maybe this was what losing a limb felt like. Just this constant pain, a ghost sensation that never let you forget what you'd lost.

And it was all Jared Padalecki’s fault.

From the time Jensen had been old enough to figure out the difference between what he’d felt for his other friends and what he’d felt for Jared, there’d never been anyone else for him. They just fit, were right together in a way that seemed to Jensen like destiny or fate. Soulmates even.

From fumbling first kisses in seventh grade to losing their virginity to each other in high school, Jensen had never questioned whether they belonged together. Whether things would work out for them, because they were fucking Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles and anyone with freaking eyes could see how meant for each other they were. How happy they were.

Only no, as it turned out, things wouldn't work out for them. Or didn't. Because the one thing Jensen had never considered, never even once, was what if Jared changed his mind about them? What if Jared applied to his dream college on the west coast, thinking he'd never actually get in, and then what would happen if he did?

What would happen was exactly what did: Jared had tortured himself with the decision to go or not for most of the summer while Jensen had remained blissfully unaware of that fact. Jensen went right on being secure in their future together while Jared had spent more and more time on his own until finally a few weeks before September, everything had blown up in their faces when Jared’s older brother Jeff’d made a joke about him spending more time at the beach than in class. The guilty-sad look on Jared's face had said it all.

And that was when Jensen's perfect life had started to crumble. Bit by bit by agonizing bit. Without any way left to put it off, Jared had come clean. Finally admitted that he was considering going to a different college than Jensen. One half-way across the country. Oh, and not just considering it, he'd decided to go. It was the opportunity of a lifetime. Something Jared couldn't pass up, and even though Jensen's heart was breaking, he’d agreed.

He just… hadn't thought that that was the beginning of the end. Long distance was something he resigned himself to, something that they’d get through together. It wasn't gonna be easy, Jensen got that, but what they had was worth it. Was worth so much more than four years of separation during the school year. They'd still have holidays and summer vacation, right?

Wrong again because Jared had kept on making all of the decisions for both of them. He didn't wanna be responsible for Jensen missing out on stuff. Didn't want him sitting home every weekend while everyone else was hooking up and making new friends. Nothing Jensen had said was enough to convince him, in the end. Not the I-love-yous, or the tears, or the arguing.

Not even the broken begging that Jensen was ashamed to have been just sober enough to remember at the last party they'd both gone to. Apparently when it came to Jared, pride wasn't a word Jensen’d understood. Right up until the last second, Jensen hadn't really believed it was happening, otherwise he'd never have been able to stem the bleeding from the gaping wound in his chest.

Because despite the fact that Jared wasn't just leaving, but leaving _him,_ Jensen had clung to every last minute they had left together. Had faked smiles and soaked up each second of skin to skin contact and warm hugs and dancing barefoot in Jared's backyard under the stars like sappy lovesick idiots. Because that was his one shot at it.

Deep down in his bones, he just knew. He'd never love anyone like he loved Jared. Not ever again. So he stole seconds and hours until they ran out at the airport with a last desperate plea of a kiss goodbye before Jared had walked through security and out of Jensen's life for good.

Jared had wanted to stay friends. Had said he was doing this for Jensen. That he knew Jensen would be happier without him holding him back. But as he'd stood there and finally come to grips with the black void he'd been pushing back ever since he’d found out Jared was going to California, Jensen just… couldn't.

Tears had burned behind his eyes as Jared had waved one last time before he disappeared forever and all Jensen could think was that Jared just didn't love _him_ as much as he loved Jared. People talked about heartbreak and loss like it was something you could come back from, get over, but as his heart shattered into jagged little pieces at his feet and he slumped into a hard airport bench seat, bitter despair clogged up his throat and choked off his breath. And Jensen had just thought, he wouldn't ever come back, not from this.

There was no way that Jensen could be just friends with Jared. Could go back to that. Just the idea of Jared eventually finding someone else made him sick to his stomach, made bile burn at the back of his throat. He really couldn't deal with having to hear about it first hand.

So Jensen just… didn't. He didn't answer Jared's calls or texts and when his brother, Josh, told him that Jared was worried about him, Jensen told Josh to tell him he was fine. He was moving on like Jared had wanted. After that Jared had stopped texting, stopped calling.

Which should’ve made Jensen feel better but it didn't. Because he missed Jared so fucking much it was almost ridiculous. If Jensen knew how to laugh anymore, he'd laugh at what a fucking loser he was. Then again, if he knew how to laugh anymore, maybe he could've dug his way out from under the heavy blanket of depression that his tattered life seemed to be permanently trapped under.

“Hey, Ackles!” An unfortunately familiar voice called out as he locked his door, on his way for a Saturday morning shift at the coffee shop.

“Cohen.” Jensen replied as he turned to face his RA.

“How's it goin’ man?” Matt said with a wide smile that other people probably found charming and Jensen shrugged a shoulder and tried not to look like he was shrinking into himself. “Listen, I know you're busy, like, all the time, but I just wanted to make sure you knew about the floor party tonight at ten. Gonna be a great time, you should come, Jensen.”

Like that was gonna happen. Jensen hadn't gone to a single floor event yet, and he wasn't really about to make an exception tonight. He wasn't up to it yet. Might never be, and didn't that just fucking suck. What if the whole rest of his life was this pathetic and miserable? What if it _never_ got better?

Something of his thoughts must’ve shown on his face because Matt’s grin dimmed a little and a worried crease appeared between his brows. And sure, it was the guy’s job to worry about the kids on his floor, but Jensen didn't need someone checking up on him even more than Matt already tried to.

“Yeah, maybe.” Jensen quickly interrupted before Matt could get himself too worked up about what he probably figured was Jensen’s anti-social teenage angst that he could heal through the power of talking about it.

Instantly Matt’s smile brightened back up again, “Great. I know social stuff’s kinda hard for you, right? So if you come I'll make sure to introduce you to some people who’re pretty awesome.”

Jensen managed a faint smile. “Sure, yeah. Sounds good. Look, I gotta go or l’ll be late to work.”

“Right. Okay, well, see you tonight?” Matt asked.

“I'll try.” Jensen lied through his teeth.

“Awesome.”

Well that was awkward, Jensen thought as he walked away. Now he was gonna have to sneak in and hide in his room. Hope Matt didn't come knock on his door looking for him. Matt meant well, that much was clear. Guy was practically _made_ of good intentions, but after a shift full of wearing a fake happy persona for customers, Jensen would be tapped out even if he wasn't still dealing with his literal gutting.

A party was the last thing he wanted to do that night. Much more likely, was the possibility that he'd be fast asleep in his bed before it ever even started. Perk of being tired all the time, apparently he slept like the dead because he hadn't been woken up at night yet despite the thinness of the walls.

The rest of Jensen's day dragged by in fits and starts with little rushes of customers. By the time his shift finished up at two, Jensen was pretty worn down. He clocked out on the register, said his goodbyes to his co-workers and then headed out into the crisp autumn air to walk back to his dorm.

It wasn't a very long walk from the coffee shop to campus, but Jensen liked the path that he normally took. In the winter it'd probably suck, but for now with the leaves turning gorgeous shades of red, yellow, and brown, it was peaceful. Usually it was the one time of day when Jensen could almost get out of his own head. The sun was out and it peaked through the overhanging branches, casted shimmering shadows all over the path that crossed the park he’d cut through.

Despite the sunlight there was a chill in the air and the light grey hoodie he was wearing provided just barely enough warmth. Probably time to dig his jacket out of the closet, he thought as he sped up a little.  

He was almost through to the other side of the park when he spotted them. A cute young couple cuddled together under a blanket leaned up against the trunk of a tree. Adorably intertwined and so absorbed in each other that they probably didn't even notice anyone else was around. Jealousy burned acidic in Jensen's stomach. Twisted up inside him and sparked a surge of intense anger aimed squarely at Jared.

For leaving, for not wanting him, for wrecking basically every good memory Jensen'd ever had and for destroying any chance he had to be happy. Well, you know what? Fuck that. Jensen was sick and goddamn tired of feeling rejected. Sick of being a goddamn shadow of himself and sick of Jared Pada-fucking-lecki. He was _tired_ of being lonely.

So you know what? Screw that. Screw sitting at home and pining over a guy who didn't want him. Didn't love him. He deserved better than that. For months now Jensen hadn't so much as let himself look at anyone else and for what? For a guy who was off having the time of his damn life in California? Probably getting laid as often as Jensen wasn't because face it, looking like Jared, it probably wasn't all that hard to find someone to take to bed. A little stab of angry possessiveness burst in his chest but he squashed it down.

Suddenly someone jostled into Jensen as they brushed past him and he had to catch himself before he tripped over his own feet.

“Take a picture creep, it'll last longer.” The guy who’d just bumped into him said over his shoulder and Jensen flushed with embarrassment, tore his gaze away from the couple and started walking again.

Once he'd gotten back to his room anger gave way to stubbornness. He didn't give himself time to worry or hesitate, hell he tried not to so much as think out the vague plan that was shaping up in his mind because he'd chicken out. He just flicked on his laptop and booted up Netflix, watched crap TV until it was time to get ready.

He didn't even notice he'd skipped supper, but whatever. There'd probably be snacks at the party. A shower and some deep contemplation about his wardrobe choices later found Jensen in skintight dark blue jeans that showed off the curve of his legs and a dark green Henley he knew he looked good in. He half-assed styled his hair, it was short anyway, wasn't much he could do to fuck it up, and then checked the clock on his phone. Ten after ten. Perfect.

With a last glance in the mirror that hung on the back of his door where he studiously avoided his own eyes, Jensen was ready to get the show on the road. Time to get the fuck over himself and get laid. Maybe, just maybe it might help get Jared out of his head. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Stepped into the hallway and locked up his room before he headed down the hall.

At the end opposite to his room, was the common room and he could hear music and laughter as it spilled out. A flash of doubt crept into the back of his mind and Jensen almost turned around and went right back to the safety of his room. Two things stopped him. One, his daddy hadn't raised a coward, and two, Matt stuck his head out into the hall at just that moment, broke into a bright smile and waved him into the room.

One of those things _might_ have played a larger part in getting him through the door than the other because if Matt hadn't ‘ve shown up just then, the first thing would've been sorely tested. As it was, Jensen made himself smile tentatively back and followed Matt inside.

“So,” Matt said enthusiastically once they'd made it a few steps in, “this is everyone.” He chuckled at the overwhelmed look on Jensen's face. The place was packed. Definitely more people than there were rooms, even counting doubles. “Ty, the RA from floor 21 and I decided to throw a joint party. Thought it'd be fun for you guys to mingle.”

Dubiously, Jensen nodded like that sounded cool. Felt about a second from bolting when a cute guy with floppy brown hair and pale blue eyes walked over to them and introduced himself to Jensen with a sly look on his face that there was no mistaking. Chris or Kyle or whatever his name was, Jensen hadn't quite caught it over the music, started up a conversation with him while Matt got distracted by some girls he caught with a flask.

For the next half hour Jensen chatted with him, goal in mind and when Kyle kept stealing glances at his mouth, Jensen went in for the kill. Invited him back to his room, somewhere quieter, he said. Eagerly, Kyle agreed. Stayed on Jensen's heels the whole way there.

In his chest, Jensen's heart was beating out of control, only it wasn't excitement, not quite. Nerves, maybe, about what he was about to do. Jared had been- fuck Jared! Jensen unlocked the door decisively and spun around with the most seductive smirk he could manage and walked backwards into his room, unsurprised when Kyle followed him in.

He kicked the door shut behind himself and advanced on Jensen. Span of two breaths and then there were warm lips on his, hands that carded through his hair and it… it felt kind of good. To be wanted like that, to be kissed like that again.

Kyle licked his way into Jensen's mouth much more aggressively than Jensen was used to with- no, he wasn't gonna think about him. Just needed to focus on Kyle's hands as they crept under his shirt and rubbed hotly over the bare skin of his back while his teeth scraped along Jensen's jaw. Hot, it was hot. Kyle was hard, Jensen felt it against his thigh, and in spite of the rush of tangled hot emotions in Jensen's chest it only took a few deliberate rocks of their hips together for him to catch up.

Piece by piece their clothes got peeled off as they stumbled across the narrow distance to Jensen's bed. Naked, he let himself fall back on his twin sized mattress. Kyle climbed over him, but it felt off. He wasn't big enough. Didn't blanket Jensen perfectly and make him feel warmly secure underneath the weight of his body.

Again, he pushed away his discomfort and focused on the physical sensation of Kyle rubbing off against him. Of the slippery rigid slide of skin against skin and flashes of hot pleasurable friction. Of Kyle's mouth on his, and still not quite right, not the way Jared was. Rougher, more demanding.

Jensen's chest ached with just how pale this was in comparison to what he'd had, how empty. He missed Jared's big hands on him, Jared's soft, biting kisses and the way he'd moved him easily into whatever position he wanted without it feeling pushy. Just _right._

He closed his eyes tight and wished with everything he had that Jared was there instead, touching him like this. Wanting him like this. And when he finally came just before Kyle did, it was to the mental image of Jared’s sweat damp face, hazel eyes full of emotion, locked on his as his bangs flopped down into them, stuck to his forehead, cheeks flushed.

His eyes were still shut when Kyle quietly wiped himself off with Jensen's shirt and then handed it to him.

“So, I kinda have an early day tomorrow.” Kyle said, almost regretfully. “Wasn't planning to stay this late in the first place… So I should probably…”

Nothing but relief filled Jensen at those words, “Sure thing, Kyle. Don't worry about it.”

Kyle frowned, “It's Chris.”

 _Shit,_ Jensen flinched. Silently, Chris, apparently, got dressed and didn't even glance back at Jensen before he left. Slammed the door, or, tried to and failed would be more accurate thanks to the mechanism that slowed the door’s path shut, as he walked out.

Guilt, self-disgust and sinking regret slowly filled Jensen up until he could barely stand himself. Hollow and aching, he mechanically wiped himself down, went and locked the door and then curled up under his blankets. Chest a freshly torn scar. Because no matter what he'd tried to convince himself of, he was never going to be over Jared.

Couldn't even fuck some guy without thinking of him and Jared probably didn't have the same problem. Because Jared wasn't out there thinking of him, missing him. Jared wasn't still in love with someone who didn't love him back. Not the same way. It was just so goddamn unfair. All he wanted was Jared and his heart was like a broken record, it just replayed that one thought over and over until he finally fell restlessly into the numbing darkness of sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

The temperature in early November here was wildly variable, Misha found. Some days it was fairly chilly with a biting wind and others were comparable to summertime up in Boston. His body was finally getting used to it, thank fuck. Well, sort of. This was his first year as a graduate student, his first year being a TA and his first year in this brand new (to him) city.

He was used to starting over in new places, had spent most of his life being the new kid, and this wasn't that different. The kids he had to get along with were just older. Most of them were new too, so that helped. The program he was in was selective, prestigious even, and he knew he was lucky to be there. So, the crazy climate didn't bother him all that much.

Except that this morning he’d woken up and it’d been cold out and he'd been running late, so he'd grabbed a sweater and jeans and stuffed himself into them, threw on a pair of boots and rushed off to the class he had to proctor a test for. By the time that had let out, just before noon, the weather had shifted to brutally fucking hot.

And the professor he was working for needed him to pop by the bookstore and make sure the books that were supposed to have been there in September were actually in. Sure, he could just call, but the last time he'd done that they'd just told him yes when they weren't in at all. So Misha was stuck trudging across campus, boiling his ass off. Sweaty and probably gross looking but he got there. He ran a distracted hand through his damp hair and frowned as he pushed through the doors.

After this he was _definitely_ going to head home and take a quick shower instead of grabbing lunch like he'd planned. The air conditioning hit him like a welcome relief and for a second he stood there just inside the doors, eyes closed, face upturned and enjoyed the blissful cold. He probably looked insane, but whatever. Worth it.

When he regained the ability to deal with reality, he opened his eyes and made his way through the bookshelves over to the back corner that housed the English Lit section. And then he turned the corner and stopped dead in his tracks. At the shelf next to the one he was there to check out was a ridiculously hot guy. Or well, the view from the back was ridiculously hot anyway.

Tall, broad shouldered, trim little waist, accented by a heathered grey t-shirt, that curved into a perfect round ass and fuck-me legs that were encased in snug black denim. Unfairly gorgeous and Misha hoped he had a face to match.

Casually, he sidled up next to the guy and glanced over. He absolutely wasn't disappointed. Big green eyes framed by long dark lashes, cute nose, plush pink lips, Jesus. How was that much perfection even fucking possible on one damn face?

Misha's eyes flicked back to the shelf in front of him, confirmed that the books in question were, in fact, there. Then he snuck another look at the guy, only this time he noticed more than the obvious. His brows were drawn together and his lips were downturned as he stared at the empty shelf in front of him.

As Misha watched, the guy brought his thumb up to his mouth and worried at his nail. He looked young and almost panicked. Misha could relate to that. Most of his freshman year had been a blur of fear, anxiety and late nights.

So he put aside the base instinct to try and pick the guy up and instead decided to do his best to help him out. “Hey, you okay?” Insanely green eyes focused on Misha as he froze with his thumb still in his mouth. Eyes wide, like he had no clue why Misha might want to know the answer to that. “You look like you're a breath away from a full on panic attack over that empty shelf. Maybe I can help?”

He blinked blankly for a second before he seemed to pull himself together, “I just… the book I need was supposed to be here. I had to wait for this pay and I've been saving for it all month. There's a test on the first five chapters tomorrow. I was- I was gonna pull an all-nighter and it's- they don't-” He flapped a hand at the empty shelf. “What am I gonna do? The library's copy’s missing and I don't think there’s anywhere else I can get it on short notice. I'm, I'll fail and I-”

“Hey,” Misha said softly as he placed a reassuring hand on the guy’s shoulder. “Take a breath, it's gonna be okay. What's your name?”

After a ragged breath he replied, “Jensen.”

“Okay, Jensen.” Misha said, tone intentionally soothing as he glanced at the index card that was hanging from the shelf and then smirked. “I'm Misha. And you're gonna be fine.”

Anxiety and disbelief all over his face, Jensen raised an eyebrow, “Oh yeah, what makes you so sure?”

“Because _I_ just so happen to have that particular book and not only am I gonna lend it to you, but I'll help you study for your test tonight.” Misha said, happy to have found what he figured was a suitable solution.

Jensen however, looked torn. “Why would you? You don't know me.”

“Nope.” Misha agreed. “I don't. Do know what it's like to struggle to afford books though. And, no offence man,” Misha offered a disarming smile to soften the blow of his observation, “but you look like you could use a friend right now.”

The kicked puppy look on Jensen's face said there was definitely some truth to what Misha was saying. A pesky protective urge took root in his chest and damnit. He just wanted to wipe that look off his face, see what Jensen looked like happy. Guy was hot as fuck when he was all broody, but Misha bet he looked spectacular when he smiled.

“C’mon,” he said, “let me help you.”

“Uh, okay. If you're sure.”

Misha nodded with a wide smile that spread his lips. “Totally sure. It'll be fun to see how much I remember. Plus, honestly, I haven't made a lot of friends here either yet, so, maybe if we get along, it'll be good for both of us.”

Something a little sad, a little like longing flashed in Jensen's eyes and Misha knew he'd made the right choice to offer his friendship when the corners of Jensen's lips lifted in the smallest smile.

“Yeah, okay.”

Misha chuckled, “Not a real talkative one are you?”

Jensen shrugged a shoulder but his smile widened into a real one, so Misha counted it as a win.

“Alright so, technically I'm supposed to spend this afternoon cooped up in the library researching for my paper. But, I think these circumstances call for a temporary reprieve. So, here's the plan. We're gonna go grab some snacks from the vending machine in the student union building, then we'll go to my place. I'll dig out that book and you can start reading while I take a shower. Because it's hot as fuck out and I'm an idiot who _really_ didn't dress appropriately.” Misha wrinkled his nose. “A gross idiot.”

Sometimes when he was a little nervous he rambled. So sue him, but Jensen just laughed a little which meant it was worth it.

“Layers, man.” He said with a smirk that made his eyes sparkle a bit. “Gotta dress in layers here in the fall.”

“Uh-huh. Boy Scout advice from the guy who probably froze his ass off this morning just to show up schmucks like me.” Misha teased as he nodded for Jensen to follow him.

“Nah,” Jensen said, lopsided grin on his face as he caught up to Misha. “Flannel shirt in my backpack.”

“Oh, so you really _are_ a boy scout.” Misha laughed and shook his head.

Jensen laughed too, his eyes crinkled up at the corners and Misha couldn't help the satisfaction that curled in his gut at the sight of a kid who less than ten minutes ago, had looked as if his whole world was ending, with a wide open smile and amusement in his eyes. Spectacular was right.

They followed Misha's plan to a T. Grabbed the snacks and headed up to his cushy grad student dorm room. And by cushy Misha meant a bit bigger than your average dorm room, with a separate bedroom, tiny private bathroom, a kitchen that barely qualified as one and a living room full of cobbled together goodwill furniture. So, pretty cushy by his standards.

At the moment, Jensen was curled up on Misha's threadbare couch with the book he'd needed open on his lap and in front of him was a bottle of coke on a rickety coffee table that was propped up by a couple packets of matches that kept it from being unusable.

Misha had just excused himself to go shower and the only indication Jensen had heard him was a slight nod of his head. So, Misha took his time in his room, picked out the clothes he was gonna wear before he brought them and a towel into his bathroom where he took a slightly longer than usual shower. That way Jensen could at least skim through some of the chapters in peace.

Afterward, he toweled off and got dressed in a pair of red lounge pants and a worn out AC/DC shirt he'd owned forever. Worse for the wear, but comfy and at this point, he wasn't really looking to impress Jensen so much as befriend him, so not like it mattered what he looked like anyway.

The impromptu study session, as it turned out, did go well. Though Jensen seemed a little gunshy and reserved, the longer he spent in Misha’s presence and the later that it got, the more relaxed he became. They got along like old friends in a surprisingly short amount of time once Jensen came out of his shell a bit and Misha found himself thoroughly enjoying just how smart and well spoken Jensen turned out to be when he was passionate about a subject.

Unfortunately, like all good things, it came to an end. After they’d gone over the material a few times and both of their eyes were blurring with fatigue, Jensen peeled himself slowly off the couch and stretched. Difficult though it was, Misha tried not to eye the cute expanse of stomach that peaked out as a result. Even if it was _right_ there.

Jensen’s arms dropped back to his sides as he said, “I should go, uh. Get at least a little sleep before this thing.”   

Reluctantly, Misha stood as well. “Yeah, of course. You uh, yeah. Should definitely go take a power nap.”

“Right.” Jensen agreed and almost seemed to hesitate before he headed to the door.

“Oh, hey!” Misha exclaimed as he grabbed the forgotten book off of the coffee table. “You almost forgot this.”

Jensen’s cheeks heated a bit as he reached out and took the book, held it against his chest with his arms folded over it. “You’re really gonna lend it to me?”

“Yeah?” Misha raised an eyebrow. “Seriously, just take it. It’s yours. Not like I was planning to read it again any time soon.”

With a nod, Jensen seemed to accept that he was actually going to be taking the book with him, and he shifted his weight from foot to foot for a second before he quietly said, “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” Misha smiled and then offered, “And if you ever need a study buddy or you know, just wanna hang out or whatever, you know where I live. So… don’t be a stranger.”

It was on the tip of his tongue to try for Jensen’s number but something told him to take it slow. Let Jensen figure out if he wanted this to be anything more than a guy helping him study for a test. So when Jensen nodded and said goodbye, Misha said goodnight and shut the door behind him even though like eighty-percent of him wanted to invite Jensen back to _his_ bed and the other twenty-percent thought for sure he should’ve at least found a way to keep in contact with him.

In the end, Misha’s instinct turned out to be bang on though. Almost a week to the day, just after supper time Jensen showed up again with snacks and a new release he said he’d been dying to watch. Flushed cheeks that were just way too damn adorable, a contrast to the stubborn set of his shoulders. Like he’d pushed himself out of his comfort zone.

Misha just smiled wide and invited him in. The movie turned out to be a bust, but it was fun to rip on it with Jensen and like the last time, the longer Jensen was there, the looser he got. The more he let his sarcastic wisecracks fly and before they knew it, once again it was pretty late and Jensen headed back to his room.

After that Jensen slowly started to show up more frequently. Sometimes with the excuse that he needed Misha's help to study, but more and more often just to hang out. For some reason he reminded Misha of an attention starved kitten, which as they got to know each other better, he realized wasn't that far from the truth.

With Christmas vacation rapidly approaching, Jensen became an even more permanent fixture at Misha's place despite the fact that most of the time that he was there, he was elbow deep in various textbooks and notes while he scrambled to study for his exams and on the other end of the couch, Misha was just as buried in his research. It was companionable, enjoyable, to have someone else there even if neither of them were talking.

Comfortable in a way Misha very rarely was with people who weren't his immediate family and intimate in a way he'd only been with a handful of people in his life. Most of Misha's prior relationships had been superficial, not that he thought that this was a _relationship._ But he'd moved so often as a kid and then as a teen that until university when he was finally on his own, he'd never really had the chance to get to know someone like this.

During his undergrad he probably could’ve made more of an effort with other people, but he'd been too busy with his free love, sowing his oats phase. Which, while frankly fucking phenomenal, had been more or less a string of casual partners and the exchange of pleasant entanglement-free orgasms.  

In any case, this thing with Jensen had quickly evolved into one of the most intense friendships Misha had ever experienced. And he was loathe to do anything that might fuck it up. So even though his feelings for Jensen had grown exponentially, he kept them locked up tight. Didn't want to risk everything for something Jensen might not even reciprocate. And plus, it seemed pretty clear to Misha that Jensen was dealing with something that'd shaken him up pretty bad.

It happened less and less frequently, but sometimes Jensen would space out with this painfully sad look on his face. He never talked about it and Misha never pried, but he exhibited all the classic signs of a broken heart. At least as far as music and movies indicated to Misha anyway.

Someday, he was sure Jensen would open up and clue him in. But even if he didn't that was okay. Everyone had their pasts and stories, sometimes they were more painful and difficult to talk about than others. Misha got that.

“Hey, Mish?” Jensen called out from the living room and alone in the kitchen Misha's face split into a dopey grin at the nickname.

“Yeah?” He yelled back.

“Wanna go dutch on a pizza? I'm starving. And lazy.” Jensen replied as Misha walked back into the living room with a couple of drinks. He deposited them on the table and turned to face Jensen.

“Sounds good to me, Jensen.” He agreed amiably. “Now push over couch hog. I have a zillion and fucking one tests to grade.”

Jensen grinned and shifted his legs a fraction of an inch from where they were sprawled and Misha rolled his eyes, grabbed his papers and red pen, then dropped down to occupy the sliver of couch he was allotted. Squashed himself back into the cushions and pretended he was totally comfortable until Jensen finally gave in with a little chuckle and moved over a bit more.

So Misha might not have everything he sort of really wanted with Jensen, but so what? He got to have this, and for now, heck, maybe even forever? That might be enough.


	3. Chapter 3

Smack in the middle of his last exam Jensen's panic started to mount. It had nothing at all to do with the test in front of him and absolutely everything to do with the fact that in two days, his brother was driving down to pick him up and bring him home for the holidays.

He should’ve been excited. Should’ve been glad to see his parents, his brother and his baby sister. Except he wasn't because all of that was overshadowed by the very real fact that very, very shortly he'd be back in the same city as Jared. Could foreseeably run into him at some point. The thought settled like a cold dread in his stomach.

All the progress he'd thought he'd been making over the last month and a half suddenly seemed to vanish. He'd put off thinking about it as long as he could, stalled for as much time as he was able to before Josh had just _told_ him when he'd pick him up with that no nonsense fucking voice of his that left no room to argue. _You already missed Thanksgiving to study, kid. You can't flake on Christmas too. I know what you're doing, Jen and you can't just stay away forever._

Josh was right, honestly, but how was he supposed to deal with this? He'd finally started to be happy again. To feel something other than loss so damn visceral that it left him breathless and despondent. Perpetually miserable and alone. With Misha he got to be normal again for brief flashes and it'd felt like healing. Like moving on, despite his previous certainty that he damn well couldn't.

Only, if he was really moving on, if he was really starting to be fine, why would he be so damn worried about this? His stomach twisted furiously and he forced himself to take some deep, deep breaths. Just another hour to finish up this test. He just had to push it all down for one more hour and then he could go fall apart. Just needed to focus. He could- yeah, he could do that. Could hold it together for now.

Once he was more under control he looked back down at his paper and breezed through the rest of the questions. After all of Misha's practice quizzing it was kind of a snap. Like emotional whiplash a giddy burst of warmth filled Jensen's chest as he recalled a bed-headed, barely conscious Misha encouraging him last night in the form of homemade (slightly singed) cookies and a never ending supply of caffeine.

And in true roller-coaster format, his spirits plummeted just as fast because in two days he wasn't just going home to the place where he fell in love and had his heart ripped out still wetly beating… He was gonna be leaving Misha behind too. Something sharp stabbed in his gut at the prospect.

As he handed in his hastily completed exam and walked out of the classroom, a massive wave of despair and hopelessness practically gut punched him. He managed to make it outside before he leaned back up against the cool, rough, brick wall of the building and gasped in breaths of ice cold air.

Tried to fight down the rising tide of stress and unease that threatened to cause the contents of his stomach to make a sudden unwelcome appearance. It was possible, maybe, sort of, that putting all of his anxiety on the backburner until he could deal with it was blowing up in his stupid face now that he'd finished his last exam.

His thoughts were foggy, sluggish, probably from the whole hyperventilating thing he had going on. God, he was so fucking dumb he couldn't even breathe right. Tears stung at the corners of Jensen's eyes and it was all so goddamn fucking stupid. He was on the verge of fucking crying like a little friggin’ kid because he was scared to go home.

It wasn't fair and it sucked and so much was just _wrong_ about this whole fucked up situation. Before he even fully realized he was moving, he was already stumbling forward. His brain came partially back online when he found himself standing in front of Misha’s door, cheeks wet.

And he could still turn around and go. He could still leave and salvage what little pride he had left. Not drag the one and only friend he had in the whole world into his mess. It was late thanks to his evening exam slot and Misha was probably busy. If he had any self-respect left he oughta go back to his room and wallow all on his own. Except he couldn't make himself walk away. Couldn't because even though he was embarrassed and upset, Misha felt like a lifeline.

Like warmth and a safe harbour and… Jensen knocked before he could chicken out. He needed Misha right now. Just needed someone who cared to tell him it would be okay. And Jensen might not understand why Misha cared, but he did all the same.

He had time for one more shaky breath in as he scrubbed his sleeve over his face and then the door swung open.

“Jensen?”  The concern in Misha's voice sort of broke Jensen apart again and he shuffled on his feet. Blinked hard and tried not to dissolve into fresh tears as he looked up into those dark blue eyes that were so intensely focused on him. “Woah, hey. Come inside.”

Wordlessly Jensen nodded and followed Misha inside, into the little kitchen. Misha watched him as he poured Jensen a glass of water, but he didn't say anything else. Like he was giving Jensen the space to decide what he wanted to say, whether or not Jensen wanted to talk about what'd brought him there and wasn't that just like Misha? Always seemed to be taking care of him, looking out for him even though he didn't have to.

To stall for time and try, somehow, to sort his thoughts, Jensen gulped down the water he was given until the glass was dry and then he cleared his throat. Misha let out a soft little sigh and nodded his head toward the living room.

“Come on. I'm guessing this is a long story and you look like you're barely standing.”

Jensen bit his lip, but followed along behind Misha with a mix of dread and relief. Part of him wanted to keep everything locked up inside. The part that sounded like his dad telling him how real men acted. The other part, the much larger part at the moment was desperate to spill his guts and get everything off his chest. Was so fucking tired of carrying all of these feelings on his own for so long.

Misha dropped down on the far side of the couch and sat cross legged facing the end Jensen was closest to, so Jensen followed suit and did the same with his knees drawn up and his arms wrapped around them. Like maybe that'd hold all of his broken pieces together for just a little longer.

“I…” Jensen started, then stopped, unsure where he ought to begin. “I don't…”

Steady where Jensen was almost shaking, Misha's hand reached out and settled warm, comforting over his. “Who was it?”

Jensen sucked in a gasp of air and on the exhale breathed, “Jared Padalecki. He, um.” Jensen cleared his throat again and wished his thoughts would do the same so he could stop sounding and acting like an emo preteen. “Broke my heart. I guess.”

“You loved him.” Misha stated, and didn't it sound simple, if a little sad.

“Yeah.” Jensen said gruffly. “He was- we were… I dunno. I _thought_ we were _it_ and he just… didn't. And I was gutted, like wrecked. So bad, Mish. When we met at the bookstore? I really thought I was never gonna get better. And it sounds fucking stupid but it felt like part of me had just, died, you know?”

For a second Jensen just breathed, concentrated on how nice Misha's hand felt on his. Thankfully, Misha seemed content to wait for him to gather himself. Stayed quiet but engaged, eyes on Jensen's, nothing but soft worry in them.

“But I didn't die and then I thought things were getting better. That I was okay. Finally.” Jensen closed his eyes and took another deep breath.

“What happened tonight? That set you off?” Misha gently asked.

Sheepishly Jensen replied, “My last exam.”

His eyes didn't need to be open to know that Misha was doing the whole one eyebrow way up thing.

“It sounds dumb-”

“It's not dumb. Jensen, you're not dumb.” Misha said as he squeezed Jensen's hand a little tighter and Jensen's eyes flew open. Heart in his throat. “You've been under a lot of pressure and exam time’s stressful when you're _not_ dealing with anything else. I'm not gonna pretend to know what you're going through, but I know you're not dumb.”

“Misha…” Jensen wished his voice wasn't so weak sounding, he shook his head a little and then continued, “In two days I'm going home. And… Jared's gonna be home too, probably. I just. I'm not ready. To see him. He's probably stupidly happy and normal and I'm still fucked up. It's not fair.”

“It's not.” Misha said in agreement.

Harshly, Jensen exhaled a sigh and scrubbed his hand over his face. Felt exhausted after pouring that out, but a little lighter somehow. Still not ready to face what was coming, but a bit more rational.

“Even if I don't see him while I'm home it’s gonna be so weird there without him. We were pretty much always together.” A sad smile crossed Jensen's face. “Ever since we were old enough to toddle after each other.”

“Sounds like you were really close. It must've been hard to lose that.” Misha empathized.

“Yeah.” Jensen pushed down on the swell of sadness that ached in his chest. “Sometimes it’s like a piece of me is just gone and- and I don't even know who I'm supposed to be without him. Feels like I'm just a crappy imitation of who I was.”

Softly, Misha smiled at him. “If it helps, I think you're pretty awesome. You know, for a crappy imitation.”

Jensen chuckled a little wetly. “Pretty sure you're the only one who thinks that.”

Misha's eyes crinkled, “Well, my opinion _is_ the most important, so.”

“What am I gonna do Misha?” Jensen asked, chewed absently at a hangnail. “I can't just never go home but I feel like I'm gonna throw up every time I think about it.”

Thoughtfully, Misha hummed before he replied, “Well, first of all, we're gonna watch a movie. I'll even let you pick despite your terrible, terrible taste. I’ve got a whole bag of popcorn with your name on it too. Then, when you're feeling a bit better, we'll figure out a game plan for you. Okay?”

Picking out a movie and getting lost in a fictional world had never sounded better so Jensen nodded. Already he was starting to feel calmer, either the effect of spilling the beans or just Misha's bolstering presence. His chest still numbly ached, but it was easier to breathe. He trusted Misha, he realized, to help him figure out how he'd get through this.

Somehow Misha had become such an integral part of his life so quickly and Jensen was just so fucking grateful that they'd met that day. He had no clue where he'd be right now if it wasn't for Misha listening to him, hearing him, but he was sure it'd be a hell of a lot worse off than he was now.

“Alright, so, how about we get you out of your jacket and into something comfortable?” Misha suggested. “You're gonna be here super late, might as well just stay.” Jensen shrugged a shoulder and flashed an embarrassed half smile. “Why don't you go grab some pj’s from my room while I microwave the popcorn?”

“You sure?” Jensen asked as he suddenly realized the imposition of his being there. “Don't you have like a ton of exams to grade? I'm probably getting in the way-”

“Pft.” Misha waved a hand. “I can grade those later. Not a big deal. You're more important.”

Helplessly, Jensen shook his head just a little, cheeks flushed, embarrassed and pleased in equal measure and Misha rolled his eyes. “Go. Change.”

Jensen's hands came up placatingly, “Okay, okay. Going.”

In Misha's room, Jensen pulled open drawer after drawer in his dresser until he found pajamas stuffed into the very last one. He smiled fondly at the t-shirt on top. That ratty AC/DC one that Misha had worn the very first time he'd brought him back here to lend him a book. A weirdly nostalgic feeling fluttered in his stomach as his hand closed over the material and he pulled it out along with the pair of red lounge pants that were underneath it.

He quickly got changed, folded up his clothes and left them on top of Misha's dresser before he headed back out to meet him in the living room.

Misha was already sitting on one end of the couch gigantic bowl of popcorn in his lap and another on the coffee table for Jensen. Two bottles of beer sat next to it. Jensen smirked as he walked over.

“Oh, plying underage guys with liquor now, huh? Classy.” He teased.

Misha’s eyes lingered on the shirt Jensen was wearing for a second, his cheeks faintly pinked up, “Seemed like you earned it.”

Amused, Jensen hummed as he sat down on the couch and took the remote when Misha offered. They spent the next couple of hours watching what was arguably the worst and best movie Jensen’d ever seen. So damn awful and cheesy that it was good by pure luck of being hysterical.

Beers finished and popcorn long gone, Jensen caught his breath during the closing credits and wiped the tears of laughter from the corners of his eyes. Caught Misha looking at him with a cheerful, satisfied expression on his face when he recovered. Jensen rolled his eyes and bumped his shoulder into Misha's. “Shut up, that was fucking hysterical and you know it.”

“If by hysterical you mean so bad I briefly considered using a melon baller to cut out my own eyes in a potentially misguided attempt to get out of watching it, then yeah. So awesome.” Misha said sarcastically, but he was still smiling, so whatever. He didn't have to say out loud that it was funny for Jensen to know he liked it. He'd laughed just as hard.

“Uh-huh.”

“So, not to bring the mood right back down, but you wanna talk?” Misha asked.

Not really caught completely off guard, but still not entirely sure he could handle it, Jensen waffled.

Like he sensed Jensen's discomfort Misha added, “It might help, but we can just forget about it tonight if you want. It's been kind of a long day for you.”

It really, really had, but Jensen was tired of ignoring the inevitable. One way or another he was gonna have to face up to going home and he'd much rather do it here, with Misha, than risk having a massive panic attack on the drive home.

“It's okay. I… talking might, uh, might be good.” Jensen finally said.

And it was, for some reason just talking about everything again with a clearer head gave Jensen some new insight. Made him feel more in control. He realized that just being upset over going back and possibly facing Jared, didn't magically undo all of the progress he'd been making on getting his life back together.

That he could still miss and mourn what he had with Jared, but that didn't mean he was going to go back to the shadow of a person he'd been at the start of term. And Misha’s reassurances that he'd still be there when Jensen got back to pull him out of it if he did slip went so much further toward Jensen's peace of mind than Misha was probably aware of.

Eventually Jensen completely wore himself out, was just done with thinking about it and talking about it. So ready to get some sleep that his eyelids seemed permanently half-lidded.

“C’mon sleepyhead.” Misha said as he tried in vain to prod Jensen to full wakefulness. “Go lay down in my bed. You need a good sleep. I'll take the couch.”

Vaguely unhappy at the thought he was kicking Misha out of his bed, Jensen hummed his dissatisfaction. “We can share. S’fine. S’a double.”

Misha huffed a little entertained breath then said, “Fine, we’ll share. But you have to drag your own ass there because you're way too big for me to carry.”

“Nice.” Jensen mumbled sleepily as he heaved himself off the couch. “Calling me fat already.”

Half-way asleep on his feet, Jensen smiled at Misha's chuckle. “Go lay down. I'll be in there soon. Just gonna shut the lights off and check the door.”

More than happy to, Jensen complied. Was asleep pretty much as soon as he slipped under the covers and only faintly noticed when Misha crawled in a little later.

The next morning Jensen woke slowly, warm sunlight on his face and a soothing, rhythmic up and down motion under his head that rocked him gently to consciousness. Gradually he realized that the motion was caused by Misha breathing, and that the comfortable pillow beneath his head was Misha's chest.

“Finally awake, huh?” Misha's sleep-scratchy voice rumbled pleasantly under Jensen's ear.

“Mmm.” Jensen hummed, weirdly comfortable, unwilling to move.

Distantly, he was aware that he probably ought to be embarrassed that he'd woken up half on top of his friend, should probably make up an excuse for why he hadn't gotten off of him yet and then sit up but he didn't.

And for a while they just cuddled like that. Eventually Misha's hand started to gently card through his hair and it just felt nice. Comfortable and lazy. It was fine. Totally normal. Friends could cuddle, right?

Slowly Jensen's thoughts drifted to how much he was really gonna miss Misha over break. How much he loved hanging out with him. How good it felt to be all wrapped up in him like this. Like he was protected from the whole world. Safe. Warm, happy, and cared for in a way he hadn't felt since Jared and… oh fuck. Oh wow. Jensen was a goddamned idiot. He was in _love_ with Misha.

“Holy shit.” Jensen breathed as his arm tightened involuntarily around Misha's waist.

He felt Misha's chest shift under his cheek as Misha propped himself up, probably in an attempt to look down and see what the fuck was wrong with him.

Wide-eyed shocked Jensen’s brain didn't kick back in until after he’d said, “I’m totally in love with you.”

A whir of panic buzzed in his ears as he realized that he'd admitted it out loud and what if Misha didn't-

“Oh thank _fuck._ I'm so fucking in love with you too.”

Relief mixed jaggedly with a swoop of euphoria as Jensen leaned his head back to look up into Misha's eyes, bright blue in the light that streamed in his window. Gorgeous.

Stunned, all Jensen managed was, “Wow.”

Which was summarily followed up by Misha’s eloquent, “Yep.”  

They both stared seriously at each other for a second before they dissolved into laughter. All the messed up jumble of emotions in Jensen's chest relaxed a little. He might be screwed up still, but he knew for sure he loved Misha. Was so fucking lucky that Misha loved him right back.

Gently, Misha's hands cupped Jensen's face and pulled him up for a slow, sweet kiss that rocked Jensen to his core. Just chaste little presses of soft lips but it felt big and important and most of all, it felt _right._

“So,” Misha said when he rested his forehead against Jensen's “We have a day and a half before you go. What’re we gonna do with it?”

A lewd suggestion was on the tip of his tongue but he held it back. Much as his body was definitely, definitely on board with that, there was just something so satisfying about the thought of taking things slow with Misha. Not rushing.

“Hmm.” Jensen mused. “I'm thinking we start with coffee somewhere and then see where the day takes us from there.”


	4. Chapter 4

Where the day brought them was to the coffee shop Jensen worked at because it was the closest and by the time they'd both gotten dressed, they were starving and in desperate need of caffeination. They sat at an empty corner booth and chatted over their breakfasts. Shared easy private smiles and Jensen enjoyed every second of it. 

The way Misha could so easily make him laugh, the way his smile lit up his whole face. It was just awesome. He even found the way Misha carefully cradled his coffee cup cute. It was ridiculous. Completely dumb that he'd never let himself notice stuff like that before. 

Sure, he'd known Misha was good looking. Even knew he found him attractive in an abstract kind of way, but he'd been so distracted by everything else and probably at least part of it was just bullheaded denial. He hadn't really paid much attention to the slow-steady trickle of feelings that'd grown inside of him each day until they'd smacked him in the face this morning. 

He grinned into his coffee cup and responded to Misha's raised eyebrow with a nonchalant little shrug. Misha just smirked back him. 

After they finished up, it was hard to figure out what to do next. Most everything was quiet before the holidays and it was pretty damn cold out, which Jensen was unequivocally not a fan of. 

It was Misha who finally decided their next course of action when he asked, “So are you packed yet? To go tomorrow?” 

The answer was written all over the guilty half-smile on Jensen's face. “Not even a little.” 

Misha chuckled, “Okay, so first things first, let's go get you packed. And then I was, um, thinking…” 

Jensen tilted his head at the uncharacteristic shyness in Misha's voice, “You were thinking?”

“Uh, yeah. That you might, you know, since you're leaving tomorrow and we don't have a lot of time. You might want to sleep over again? God I sound like a teenage girl right now. Just put me out of my misery, Jesus.” Misha laughed at himself and Jensen smiled fondly at him. 

“That sounds good.” He said. 

“Great.” 

“So, we gonna braid each other's hair too? Should I bring lingerie for the pillow fight?” Jensen joked as they stood up to go. 

“Hmm. I know you're trying to mock me, but that last one? Kind of an idea I could get behind.” Misha informed him as he headed for the door. 

Jensen almost choked on his own spit, face beet red with embarrassment and if he was honest, a little weird rush of arousal. “Misha,” he mumbled, affectionately exasperated, under his breath as he followed after him. 

Packing a bag didn't take too long and they decided to drop Jensen's stuff off at Misha's place before they figured out what to do with the rest of their day. 

Following a lot of ideas that were bounced and quickly rejected by one or the other of them, they settled on lazing around in Misha's living room until after dark. Then they'd decided to check out the Christmas displays within walking distance in true sappy holiday fashion. Misha even promised made from scratch hot chocolate afterward. 

The rest of the day was a blur of junk TV and Chinese food that Misha ordered in for supper. Mostly it was just spent wrapped around each other on the couch, enjoying their newfound closeness. It surprised Jensen a little how instantly they just fit together like that. Like Misha's chest was made for Jensen to lay back on. His arms meant to be snug around Jensen. 

A slight ache surfaced in his chest, but Jensen pushed it down. Jared didn't want him, so Jensen was done letting him have an impact on his life. Misha was good for him, Misha loved him. And even if he was still getting over Jared, Jensen loved Misha. He wasn't gonna wreck stuff with him by turning all melancholy on him for no reason. 

“So, you ready to go for that walk?” Misha asked after a while. “Or are we just gonna stay inside all night?” 

With a disgruntled sigh Jensen heaved himself up off the couch, and then helped Misha up too. They got ready to go without much fanfare but Misha stopped Jensen at the door. Slowly ran his hands over the lapel of Jensen's jacket and then slid them loosely around his waist. 

“What’s up?” Jensen asked. 

“Nothing.” Misha replied warmly. “Just thinking how glad I am that you said what you did this morning.” 

“That I love you?” Jensen asked slightly confused. Misha's grin at those words almost stole his breath. 

“Yeah that.” 

“Me too.” Jensen admitted with a soft smile of his own. 

He kissed Misha slowly with just a little curl of tongue before he pulled back and opened the door. Threaded his fingers with Misha's after he'd locked up behind them and it was warm and perfect. Little nervous tingles at first that spread up his palm, into his arm and settled somewhere around his chest. 

Outside it was pretty cold and neither of them had grabbed gloves, so the whole hand-holding thing didn't last very long before they gave it up. Misha's arm ended up wrapped around Jensen's waist, his hand wedged into the pocket of Jensen's jeans. Jensen's arm comfortably draped over Misha's shoulders with his hand tucked underneath the collar of Misha's coat, cold fingers burrowed under his shirt too to get at the warm skin there. 

They walked for a few minutes just to get off campus and into the affluent neighborhood that surrounded it, big old houses all decked out in twinkling lights lined the streets. The warm weight of Misha all pressed up against his side somehow made everything even more beautiful than it was. 

A few massive displays caught their attention longer but mostly it was just a slow paced stroll in a circle around the edge of campus until Jensen got too cold and reminded Misha that he'd been promised hot chocolate to warm up with. 

Indulgently, Misha chuckled and pulled Jensen close. “I'll warm you up alright,” he mumbled just before he pulled Jensen down into a toe-curling kiss that was all perfect lips and tongue and teeth. 

The chill of the air and Misha's nose cold against his cheek barely penetrated, because Jensen was too wrapped up in how good the slide of Misha's tongue felt against his. The way Misha's hand curled in his hair and gently tugged him where he wanted him, fuck. It was so damn hot. 

Slow and sexy, Misha sucked Jensen's bottom lip into his mouth, bit down gently and Jensen groaned at the rush of pleasure that sent right to his quickly thickening dick. 

Mischief in his eyes, Misha pulled back with a smirk on his lips, “Warm enough yet?” 

Jensen smirked back, “Could be warmer.” 

“Oh yeah?” 

“Mhmm.” 

He ducked down a little and caught Misha's lips in another heady kiss and then another and God, Misha's lips were addictive. Soft and firm and so damn hot against his. Finally they both broke away to catch their breaths. 

A little strained, Misha said, “So, hot chocolate?” 

“Fuck hot chocolate.” Jensen replied as he grabbed Misha's hand and beelined them back toward the dorms. 

Rushed and laughing, they made it back up to Misha's and before the door was even fully closed behind him, Jensen pushed up into Misha's space and backed him up toward the bedroom. Stole a few dirty kisses on the way that slowed their progress, but the press of Misha against him, their hands all over each other, was worth it. 

When they finally made it into the bedroom Jensen unzipped Misha's jacket and then slid it off his shoulders. Quickly followed suit with his own. 

“Hold on.” Misha mumbled against his lips before he pulled away, got his boots off and crawled across the bed to flick on his bedside lamp. 

“Wanna be able to see you.” He said as he sat back against the headboard, legs just slightly splayed like he was waiting for Jensen to climb into his lap. 

And well, that sounded fucking good to Jensen, so he unlaced and took off his own boots, socks too while he was at it. Face just a little red under Misha's watchful gaze, he climbed onto the bed and settled himself over Misha's lap. There was a tense moment where they just looked at one another before Misha placed a hand on the side of Jensen's neck, his thumb brushed over his jaw. 

“Tell me what you want.” Misha demanded gently and Jensen sucked in a tight breath. So much. He wanted so, so, much. But, he reminded himself, he wanted to take it slow too. Just… not  _ too _ slow. 

Still, Jensen was afraid that if he started talking… it would turn into begging, and he wouldn't be able to stop at just begging for a handjob. So he kept it simple. He wrapped his fingers around Misha's hand and slowly drew it to the bulge that strained his pants and pressed it there before he leaned forward and rested his forehead against Misha's. 

In a strangled whisper that betrayed just how completely wrecked Jensen felt he pleaded, "Make me come."

“Fuck.” Misha groaned, low and hot as he gave a little squeeze of his hand that Jensen arched into with a breathy sigh. 

In a slow drag, Misha ground his palm up and down and Jensen couldn't help the flex of his hips as he rocked forward against it. So fucking good and not even close to enough at the same time. 

“Mish, c’mon.” He panted, reached for the button on his pants but Misha beat him there, so he yanked his shirt off by the hem instead while Misha got his pants undone. 

Needily, he kissed Misha with all the pent up desire that hummed through him as Misha finally tugged his pants and underwear down just far enough to get Jensen's dick free. So fucking hot when he pulled away and licked his palm wet, dark blue eyes on Jensen's the whole time, before he wrapped it around the blood-thick length of him. 

The glide of snug fingers as Misha jerked him off, slow and insistent damn near drove Jensen insane. Sent jolts of heated pleasure rushing through him with every twist and stroke of Misha's hand until Jensen just clung to him and bit his lip in a desperately failed attempt to hold back the little needy sounds that were leaking out anyway. 

Embarrassingly fast, Jensen was straddling the edge, so damn close he could almost taste it. Right, there. 

“God, Mish,  _ fuck.” _ He groaned when Misha's lips fastened slightly below his ear and sucked. 

Just like that he shot straight past the point of no return, bucked hard into Misha's fist and came with a low satisfied grunt, face tucked into Misha's shoulder. Rush of pleasure so sharp it throbbed in time with the hot pulses he spurted on their clothes, over Misha's hand. 

With a shuddered breath he grabbed Misha's wrist when he got too sensitive and was barely even conscious of it as Misha snagged some tissues from his nightstand and cleaned off his hand, wiped Jensen down before he tucked him back into his boxers. 

He was still floating, warm with afterglow, when he sat back far enough that he could fumble open Misha's pants and return the favor. Trailed a rough line of bruising kisses down the column of Misha's throat as he slowly teased his zipper down. 

A deep moan rumbled in Misha's chest when Jensen's hand closed hot around his flushed, leaking dick and satisfaction slow rolled through Jensen in response. Loved that Misha was already losing it for him. 

“Jesus, Jensen.” Misha's head dropped back with a thump against the wall, eyes squeezed shut and kiss-swollen lips parted on a gasp. 

He worked his hand up and down Misha's shaft, squeezed and twisted his fist on each upstroke and it didn't take long until Misha's muscles started to tighten up. 

“So fucking hot.” Jensen breathed against Misha's ear, “Love the way you feel in my hand.” 

Misha's breathing quickened, short little bursts of air that tickled the side of Jensen's neck. Hot and damp and Christ he was halfway hard again just listening to Misha's fucked out little noises. 

Suddenly Misha's hand fisted in his hair and pulled him forward to crash their lips together as he groaned, spilled hotly between them in pulses that Jensen felt beneath his palm. He kept up the steady pace of his hand as he kissed Misha through it until the last slow trickle of come dripped out. 

A harsh spent sigh exploded from Misha's lips once he came down from what appeared, for all intents and purposes, to have been a mindblowing orgasm. They traded slow kisses warm with satisfaction until Jensen decided it was time to clean them off and reached for the tissues to do so. 

“Mmm.” Misha hummed, once they'd wiped down and peeled off their jeans and Misha's shirt and socks. Climbed under the covers and laid down on their sides facing one another, fingers laced between their heads. “That was  _ definitely _ better than hot chocolate.” 

“Damn right.” Jensen agreed proudly. “My ideas are always the best.” 

“Unless they involve movies, because just no. I'm still scarred.” Misha joked. 

“Oh c’mon, Human Centipede sounded fucking hysterical.” Jensen said mock defensively. He deserved that one. 

“You keep using that word.” Misha said in a thick Spanish accent. “I do not think it means what you think it means.” 

A belly deep laugh bubbled up in Jensen's chest but he rolled his eyes at Misha anyway. Over the top seductively he said, “Mmm, talk Spanish to me baby.” 

“Sí papi.” Misha obliged in a high-pitched voice that launched Jensen into another round of uncontrollable laughter. 

“Way to kill my boner, dude.” Jensen got out between chuckles. 

Misha perked up a little at that, “There was gonna be a round two? Someone should’ve given me the memo  _ before  _ I wrecked it with my perfect Spanish accent.” 

“Mhmm. Too late now. Plus you wore me out with all that walking.” Jensen smirked. “Guess you'll have to wait until morning.” 

“Hmm. Or, and hear me out, you could roll over and lay back against me, let me do all the work. Promise I'll make you feel so good, baby.” Those last few words were barely more than puffs of hot sweet air against his sensitized lips, but Jensen's dick pulsed jerkily back to hardness.  

“All the work?” Jensen asked, voice pitched purposely low. 

Misha's fingers dragged slowly from the side of Jensen's thigh, up over the smooth skin of his torso to his shoulder and down his arm, left goosebumps in their wake as he said, “I'll take care of everything.”

Probably a little too eagerly, judging by the chuckle Misha let out, Jensen rolled over and backed right up against him. Misha’s hand slid up the front of Jensen's neck until his thumb and fingertips rested on either side of Jensen's jaw, tilted his head to the right angle and guided him into a messy kiss. 

After that Misha took his sweet damn time winding Jensen up. Brushed his hand down the center of Jensen's chest, over the softness of his stomach, all the way to the waistband of his boxer-briefs where he teased a couple of fingers under it before he withdrew. 

Trailed his hand back up to roll and gently tug Jensen's nipples into hardened over sensitive peaks that ached in the best damn way with every touch. Until Jensen was squirming, half out of his mind with the need for a hand on his dick right  _ that _ second. 

Hazy with pleasure, his breaths came in jagged gasps and this embarrassing whine he couldn't believe he was making. Finally, just when he tore his mouth away from Misha's to beg for it, Misha's hand slipped down and tugged at his underwear. A confused half-second later Jensen got with the program and took them off. Settled back right where he was. 

“Fuck you're hot.” Misha sighed warm in Jensen's ear as his hand finally, finally curled around Jensen's dark pink flushed dick. Felt so fucking good and Jensen couldn't have helped the full body shudder he gave up when Misha started a slow tease of a rhythm if he wanted to. “Love the way you get so desperate for it. Buck up into my fist like that. Practically fucking yourself with my hand. Jesus, Jensen.”

Cheeks on fire, all Jensen managed was, “Mish- Misha.” 

“Feel that?” Misha asked as he rocked his hips forward and pressed himself against Jensen's ass. “That's how hard you get me Jensen.” 

Heat rocketed to pool in Jensen's gut, a strange kind of satisfaction and pride that he had that effect on Misha. And God, he loved Misha's fucking voice. Felt like he could probably get off just listening to that lust roughened low rumble. Jared’d had a dirty mouth too and God, he'd missed that. 

Loved the way it made his insides squirm and twist with desire, the way it amplified every tremor of pleasure that wracked his body. And Misha was somehow nailing all the right things to say to get Jensen hottest. 

“Someday,” Misha said almost conversationally, “I wanna blindfold you, maybe cuff your wrists to my bed. You ever done that before?” 

Jensen shook his head as heat and longing coiled in his belly. Done so, so, much, but never that. Just the idea of it was like gasoline lit with a match in his veins. He pictured it in perfect clarity and was honestly surprised by the tidal wave of want that flooded him. 

“But you like that idea, huh?” Misha asked, a smirk clear in his voice. 

“Yeah, God.” 

Just by a little bit, Misha's grip tightened, his hand sped up, “I like that idea too. Do you know what I'd do with you, all laid out for me like that, vulnerable?” 

Words, Jensen knew them, but he couldn't get them out of his throat, just a choked off little exhale that Misha seemed to take as the encouragement it was meant to be. 

“I’d spend hours mapping out every little place you like to be touched, licked, bitten. But I wouldn't once touch your cock,”  _ Oh, oh, fuck,  _ “and I bet you’d be so desperate, so overwhelmed that when I finally pressed my palm against it and told you to get yourself off, you'd do it. Those perfect cheeks flushed pink while you grind against me until you blow all over yourself.” 

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Breath held tight, Jensen's hips jerked hard with the force of the orgasm that tore through him, blood buzzed loud in his ears and when the intense pleasure that rushed through him finally faded he sucked in a much needed breath of air. 

“Fuck, Misha.” Jensen said weakly, his skin still thrummed with the intensity of his climax. 

“Well, I think it's safe to say you  _ really _ liked that idea.” Misha replied with a grin as he cleaned off his hand and tossed the tissues he'd grabbed in the direction of his garbage can. 

“Guess so.” Jensen admitted as he wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his arm. 

When Jensen blinked his eyes open a second later Misha was frowning at him, brows furrowed with concern, “I didn't- I mean, that wasn't, uh- too much, was it?”

Surprised that Misha would think that, Jensen rushed to reassure him, “No, no, definitely not too much. I, uh, I liked it. A lot.” 

Just like that Misha's frown melted into a grin, “Good. Me too, turns out.” 

Jensen raised an eyebrow at that. 

“Yeah, never done that either.” Misha admitted with a chuckle, “I have literally zero idea where the hell that came from.” 

That startled a laugh out of Jensen which made Misha laugh in return. Right about then, Jensen was reminded via a poke to his hip, that Misha still had a raging boner. 

“Gonna take care of that?” Jensen asked, eyebrows up, playful smile on his lips. 

“Not tonight. Some of us aren't quite so young and nubile.” 

_ “Nubile?”  _

“Yeah, takes me forever to get off a second time this close together. I'd rather save the effort for tomorrow morning and a good send off before you go.” 

“Nubile?” Jensen repeated. 

“Yeah, babe, don't gotta rub it in.” Misha said with a wink. 

“Whatever.” Jensen said torn between being amused and continuing his mock-serious offence. “We need showers before we sleep. We reek.” 

“Wanna share?” 

“Duh.” 

That was how Jensen found out that Misha's glorious, glorious, hands were multi-talented. By the time Misha was done massaging shampoo into his scalp for far longer than necessity called for and had tilted him back under the steady stream of hot water, Jensen was practically boneless and half-way to sleeping on his feet. 

“Mm. Love your hands.” Jensen mumbled later when they were tangled together, skin still slightly damp from their shower. 

“Mm.” Misha echoed sleepily, “Love  _ you.”  _

“That too.” Jensen said around a yawn before he snuggled in closer and let himself relax. 

Despite what tomorrow was gonna bring, it didn't take long at all for Jensen to drift off to sleep. Maybe it was the amazing sex, or the fantastic scalp massage, or the way that he and Misha had gone from zero to sixty between one breath and the next. But if history repeated itself, Jensen always seemed to fall hard and fast and forever. Or at least, his last thought before sleep finally claimed him was, that he hoped  _ this time _ it would last forever. 


	5. Chapter 5

The weeks Jensen spent at home weren't nearly as bad as he'd anticipated. For one thing, Jared hadn't even bothered to visit his parents for the holiday, so he hadn't needed to worry about running into him. Which was both a blessing and a curse, because on the one hand, Jensen was so, so relieved he wouldn't have to see Jared and find some way to act normal but on the other he… missed him. 

It was stupid and pissed him off, but he missed Jared's dumb grin and his crappy jokes. Although he was still hurt and angry with Jared it didn't stop that ache in the pit of his heart that missed his best friend. He tried not to think about that much, and after a bit it got easier to push down. 

Things with Misha were decidedly the bright spot of his holidays, even though they were apart. They'd started texting more often and they'd started calling each other at night, talked for hours that felt more like minutes until they were both half-asleep and neither of them remembered what they were even talking about. 

There was something bordering on, and Jensen shuddered at his own sappy thoughts, magical about this phase, when everything was still so new. Where just his phone ringing could make nervous excitement flutter in his stomach and every time Misha called him babe or baby his heart swelled just a little. Pathetic was what it was, but also kind of awesome. Whatever. 

Point was, he’d had a good Christmas vacation, spent time with his parents, his brother and sister. Ignored it when Josh made fun of him for rushing off to talk to his 'boyfriend’. Though Misha, who’d overheard him hadn't. 

“Boyfriend, huh?” 

“I-, he-”

“Nah, I like it. Haven't really  _ been _ one for serious before, but if you're gonna stick around I'm gonna need to call you something.” He'd said a little too casually. 

Jensen's heart had beat triple time in his chest. “Misha-” 

“I might suck at it.” Misha’d interrupted. “Wasn’t kidding when I said nothing's stuck before. Just, uh, so you know.” 

“Doesn't matter. It'd be pretty hard to get rid of me at this point.” Jensen had said, voice light despite the rush of happy emotions that’d coalesced in his chest. “I kinda like you a lot.” 

“Thought you loved me?”

“That too.” 

So, Jensen had started the new semester much, much differently than the last. He was happy, had an amazing boyfriend, and he was well on his way to getting over his broken heart. Mostly. 

Weeks happily melted into a couple of months and much the same as it had before break, the days passed by with Jensen spending most of his free time at Misha's, only now there was a lot more kissing, cuddling and sex than before. They hadn't really gone past traded blowjobs which Jensen was generally okay with. He just kept sort of waiting for Misha to push things further until it occurred to him that maybe Misha was doing the exact same thing. Waiting for him to be ready. 

And maybe it made him a little sappy or dorky or something, but it just made him love Misha that much more. So Jensen spent a lot of time imagining the perfect way to take that next step. He planned out ideas for how he'd make it special, how he'd do something romantic for Misha. Only, in the end, it turned out he hadn't needed to do any of that because just the fact that it was with Misha was what made it special. 

He'd gotten home late from work, exhausted, miserable and just sick of dealing with people and he'd flopped onto his bed. Toed his shoes off and groaned into his pillow. For a few minutes he'd been relieved, comfortable now that he was finally off of his feet, but then this annoying little ache had settled in his chest. It took him a second to recognize it for what it was. 

He wanted Misha. Wanted to be wrapped up in his arms, snuggled up on his couch or in his bed, just wanted the welcoming warmth of him. It occurred to him that in spite of how much time they got to spend together, it never seemed like enough. Whenever they were apart, Jensen was missing him. Especially at times like right then, when they could theoretically be together but weren't. 

After a little more contemplation, Jensen somehow got a second wind. Got himself showered and dressed and found himself in front of Misha's door without any real plan for what he wanted to happen other than to see him. 

When Misha opened the door with a little happy smile for Jensen on his face even though it was late and he hadn't called first, it just clicked for Jensen. This was what he wanted to see every day after classes or work, this was what he wanted to see in the mornings when he woke up. And it would never be enough, because even if he spent every last second of every single day he had left with the man in front of him it  _ still _ wouldn't be enough time to do everything, experience everything he wanted to with him. 

But he could make the time they had together count. Could do his best to make sure that Misha always knew how much he loved him, wanted him. So when Misha tilted his head just a little at the rough-warm sound of Jensen's hey, like he was silently asking Jensen what was going on, he closed the space between them and pressed their lips together, silky and hot. 

He swept his tongue inside of Misha's mouth as he slid one arm around his waist and buried the other in his hair. Sighed into it when Misha instantly matched him in intensity and wrapped his arms around him too. 

“Missed you.” He breathed hot against Misha's lips. 

“You too.” Misha managed to say just before Jensen kissed him desperately, needy. 

The trip from Misha's front door to his bed was a blur of stumbling steps, biting kisses and wandering hands. They left a trail of clothes in their wake and when Jensen straddled Misha on the bed, they were both completely bare. Hard and aching for it, Jensen kissed Misha back into the pillows. Loved the minty taste of his toothpaste and the way Misha couldn't keep his hands still. Like he needed to touch every part of Jensen as badly as Jensen wanted him to do it. 

Roughly, Jensen scraped his teeth over the stubble on Misha's jaw, sucked at the hinge of it and Misha bucked up against him with a gasp. God, that sound, that frantic, rushed intake of breath that Misha always made when he did that went straight to Jensen's dick. Made it throb with need. 

“Want me to suck you off?” Misha asked when Jensen moved on to work on a trail of kisses down his neck. Sent a rush of heat to his groin, but-

“Nope.” 

Jensen sucked and bit down lightly on Misha's earlobe just as Misha got out a strained, “No?” 

“Want you to fuck me.” He whispered, lips against the shell of Misha's ear. 

He felt Misha shudder against him, the low groan in his chest at his request and it was sexy as fuck how fast Misha rolled them over so that he was on top of Jensen. Wide blue eyes dark with desire stared down at him and a tidal wave of emotion hit Jensen at the way Misha looked at him. With love and awe and this almost wonder in his eyes. Like he couldn't believe Jensen was really here with him, wanted him, when Jensen was the one that should feel like that. Because Jensen was the lucky one here and he knew it. 

“You sure?” Misha asked softly and Jensen just affectionately rolled his eyes. 

“Yeah, c’mon.” Jensen smirked, “Unless you don't wanna.” 

“Oh, I wanna.” Misha said with a matching dirty little grin on his face. “Trust me, I've been thinking about fucking you in every possible way for so long now that I'm pretty sure my spank bank consists solely of you and fantasies about what I wanna do to you. But I just wanna make sure you're doing this because  _ you _ want it.” 

Involuntarily, Jensen's cheeks flushed, but he pushed his hips up against Misha, ground his very obvious hard-on against Misha's thick thigh, “Trust  _ me, _ I want it. Want you so much.” 

“You're so fucking hot Jensen.” Misha said as he brushed a thumb over Jensen's cheek, and even though he told Jensen that all the time, it never failed to set off a shock of pleased embarrassment in his gut.  “Not fucking fair.” He claimed Jensen's lips in a kiss that left him short of breath before Jensen could even think of a reply. 

With a last slow drag of his teeth over the sensitive swollen flesh of Jensen's lower lip, Misha pulled away and leaned over to reach the nightstand drawer. Fumbled around in it until he triumphantly found a string of condoms and a bottle of lube. Jensen raised an eyebrow at the string, a sardonic smile on his face. 

“Someone's optimistic.” 

Misha laughed, “Shut up.” 

In mock-surrender, Jensen held up his hands while Misha tore a condom off and tossed it on his chest, shoved the rest back in the drawer. 

Slowly, confidently, Misha took his time with Jensen after that. Used his tongue, lips and teeth to find all the spots that drove Jensen crazy, that made his body vibrate with pleasure and need. And when Jensen was so far past the point of ready that it was a pinprick of light in the rearview, Misha uncapped the lube, slicked up his fingers and mercilessly teased Jensen with them. Worked him up from exploratory brushes of fingertips to slow pushes inside. 

Soon had him writhing on three of his thick, long fingers while he sucked dark marks into the creases of Jensen's thighs. So hot Jensen thought he'd explode in a shower of fiery sparks any second now. Every firm press against his prostate sent shivers of electricity crackling up his spine and fuck, all he wanted, all he could think about was how it was gonna feel when it was Misha's dick pushing into him. 

“So fucking tight.” Misha groaned against Jensen's skin like he was thinking exactly what Jensen was, like he was imagining all that snug heat around him. 

“Mish-” Jensen gasped, face flushed and skin glistening with exertion, “Fuck. C’mon.” 

“Mmm.” Misha hummed as he kissed his way up Jensen's stomach, his chest. “Want me to fuck you pretty bad, huh?”

God, if Jensen blushed any darker he'd probably light on actual fire, “Yeah, c’mon. Fuck.” 

The smirk on Misha's face as he withdrew his fingers right before he surged up and caught Jensen's lips with his own had no right being that damn sexy. Filled with dirty promises Jensen could  _ taste.  _

A few seconds of fumbling with the wrapper and Misha rolled the condom on, got himself lubed up and in between one anticipatory breath out and the next one in, Misha lined himself up. Pressure and blunt heat and Jensen held his breath as his body relaxed, let Misha in. 

God, fuck, he'd missed this feeling, stretched wide around a hard perfect dick as he stared up at a face he loved, into eyes that reflected every flicker of emotion he felt right back at him. A little part of Jensen that he'd tried very, very hard to ignore had worried that this, with Misha, wouldn't measure up to his memories with Jared and the relief he felt when it was actually just as good was a little overwhelming. 

It wasn't the same because Misha wasn't the same, but it was perfect in it's own way. In a way that was all them. 

They both caught their breath for a moment once Misha was pressed right up against Jensen's ass, and again, Misha brushed his thumb over Jensen's cheekbone with that indescribably sweet look on his face. 

“God, I love you.” Misha said softly, lips almost touching Jensen's. 

Warmth and affection swelled in Jensen's chest when he replied, “Love you too.” 

Incrementally, Jensen shifted his hips just enough to encourage Misha. It didn't need repeating, because Misha picked up on the hint right away. He ground himself forward that little bit further into Jensen before he pulled almost all the way out, slammed back in. Sparks of pleasure and almost-pain lit Jensen up, made him arch into each powerful thrust of Misha's hips. 

Gasps and groans he couldn't control escaped unguarded and that was the thing, wasn't it? With Misha he didn't need to guard anything, didn't need any walls or distance. His whole existence narrowed down to the places Misha was touching him, to where they were connected. 

Over and over, Misha fucked into him, and Jensen could barely think through the haze of sensation that clouded his mind. Felt so fucking good that he was barely able to return the messy kisses Misha pressed to his lips. 

Gradually, Misha picked up the pace, slammed in fast and deep and goddamn perfect. Their skin slid slickly together, the sound of their mingled breaths and moans echoed in the room. Burned into Jensen's memory. His whole body was hypersensitive, every last skin cell primed to resonate with Misha's touch.

“God, Jensen.” Misha groaned into the curve of his neck, before his lips dragged wetly over the skin there. “C’mon, babe, touch yourself. 'M so close. But, ah, want you to come first.”

Not even a second’s hesitation, Jensen got his hand between them, head thrown back with how fucking good it was. His fingers curled tight around his leaking dick while Misha filled him up so fucking perfectly. His toes curled against the sheets, his free hand dug into the back of Misha's shoulder. 

Fuck, his whole body was shaking with the tension that started to rapidly coil in his gut and just before it crested, he scraped his fingernails down Misha's back, grabbed his ass and pulled him in harder, faster. 

So, so close, “Misha, fuck, I'm gonna come.” 

Misha bit down on the corner of Jensen's jaw just shy of painful and that was it, Jensen soared right over the edge, came hard with a stuttered gasp. Pulses of warm come splashed over his stomach, his chest and he grimaced a little when one spurt hit his chin. 

“Fuck Misha.” Jensen sighed, loose and pliant as he came down from the high of his own orgasm just as Misha stilled inside him with a couple of aborted little twitches of his hips. 

Then Misha let out the breath he'd been holding in a harsh exhale against the damp side of Jensen's neck, sent a little shiver down his back. 

For long moments they stayed like that, just caught their breaths before they half-heartedly cleaned themselves up and crawled beneath the covers. Wrapped themselves up in each other. Jensen on his back with Misha's head on his chest, arm snug around his waist. 

Eventually, Misha's head tilted back a little and caught Jensen's half lidded gaze, “So, that was pretty fucking amazing.” 

Jensen smirked down at him, “Yeah, you weren't half-bad.” 

Misha rolled his eyes, but he was smiling, “Uh-huh, so you didn't just blow your load so hard you hit yourself in the chin?” 

“I mean, it's not like I almost took out an eye or something.” Jensen joked, “So, yeah, not half-bad.” 

Misha chuckled, “Sounds like a challenge.” 

Of course, Jensen laughed too, because for some reason Misha just had that effect on him. “Yeah, yeah. Not tonight though.” 

“Aww. Did I wear you out?” Misha asked lightly as if he was trying to mask the underlying concern in his voice. 

“You and the ten thousand customers who were pissed that we finally ran out of pumpkin spice syrup.” Jensen said as exhaustion stole through him. 

“Babe, it's March. Why did you still have pumpkin spice going in the first place?” Misha asked curiously. 

“Felicia went a little overboard when she ordered it in this year. And I guess she got it on clearance or something, so it was gonna expire before next year. Anyway, point is it's gone now and I got to be the asshole that told everyone all day.” 

“That sucks.” 

Jensen nodded, “Yeah. Then I got home and I missed you.” 

Misha smiled up at him, “I missed you too. Glad you came over.” 

Affectionately, Jensen smiled back at him. “Me too. I know I get to see you a lot, but I wish you were there when I got home.” 

For a quick flash, Misha chewed his lip like he was nervous. “I could be.” He offered. 

“Dude, I'm not gonna make you come over every time I get off work just so I can see you.” Jensen protested with a frown. 

A half-smile tugged at the corner of Misha's lips, “No. But, uh… we could move in together…” Jensen's eyebrows raised and his lips parted, but Misha rushed forward. “Look, I know we haven't been together that long and I'm not an expert here, at all, but I love you and- and it feels like a forever kind of thing, you know? And maybe I'm moving too fast, just tell me if this is too much-” 

Jensen cut him off with a kiss, grin on his lips almost too big to pull it off. “Seriously?” 

Shakily, Misha took a breath but he nodded confidently, “Seriously.” 

“Wow.”

Nervously, Misha chewed his bottom lip again and Jensen worried he was gonna break the skin so he tugged it free with his thumb. 

“When?” Jensen asked and Misha tilted his head like he was confused. 

“When?”

“Yeah, Mish. When do you wanna do this?” Jensen asked, eyes bright with excitement. 

“Oh, was that a yes?” 

“Duh.” Jensen said, then chuckled. “So, when?” 

Misha's face broke into a huge dorky smile as he rolled over to sit up beside Jensen, “Shit. I didn't think this far ahead.” 

Amused, Jensen laughed. “Well, I have exams coming up next month and I know you're busy too. So..  how ‘bout we look for a place for after the end of term?”

Enthusiastically, Misha nodded, “That's perfect. Wow. Look at us planning our future and shit.” 

Warmth suffused Jensen's chest and he chuckled a little breathlessly, because this was big, but he was so ready for it. Couldn't wait to get to wake up to Misha every morning, go to bed with him every night.

The rest of the semester passed fairly quickly with a lot of late night study sessions and even later nights curled up together in bed. By the time they’d found a half-decent split-level duplex that they could both afford nearby campus, Jensen was already practically living at Misha's. 

It didn't take long, once Jensen had finished his last exam, to pack up his meagre belongings into a few boxes he'd gotten from work. Much more difficult was getting the furniture from Misha's place to their new apartment without it falling all the way apart. 

Somehow they managed and by the end of that day, everything had a place in their new home. It was sparsely decorated since neither of them had really personalized their spaces in the dorms and Jensen thought it might be fun to change that sometime, but right then, he was just glad to be spread out on the couch with Misha plastered to his side in a space that was theirs. 

A mostly empty pizza box and two empty beer bottles were scattered on the coffee table while they watched some crap rerun of a show they'd both already seen and Jensen just felt content. Kind of in awe of how drastically his life had changed and how amazed he was that he got to have this. 

In the back of his mind, a very tiny part of him was waiting for the other shoe to drop and he hated it. More than anything, he just wanted to be happy with Misha and what they had. And… he was happy. He just couldn't help that little tickle that wondered when Misha would get over him like Jared so obviously had. When Misha would outgrow him too. 

As much as he could, Jensen shoved thoughts like that away because Misha had never given him a reason to doubt him. Misha always made sure Jensen was acutely aware of how much he loved him. Inevitably though, they'd creep back in and Jensen learned to sort of ignore it for the most part. And when he couldn't, Misha never hesitated to remind him just how thoroughly he was loved. 

So Jensen was a lucky guy, felt luckier by the day and when the first heat of early summer set in, he was still glad he'd chosen to move in with Misha instead of moving home for the break. His mom and dad had been a little concerned when he'd told them about his plans, especially since they hadn't met Misha. Josh in particular had been vocal about his worry that Jensen was rushing into something he might regret, but Jensen stubbornly denied it. 

Sure, he got that it was fast, but it had nothing to do with Jared or rebounding. This thing he felt for Misha, their relationship, was real all on it's own. Whatever feelings for Jared that Jensen might still be getting over had no bearing on it. And Jensen had told them as much. Josh’d still been skeptical, Mom too, but once he'd brought Misha down for a visit… Well, in Jensen's opinion you couldn't meet Misha and  _ not _ like the guy. Convincing Jensen's family to trust that they knew what they were doing was pretty easy after that. 

Mom had all but offered to adopt Misha and he was pretty sure she was already planning their wedding. Even Dad and Josh had come around. Mac was the easiest, big heart eyes for Misha that probably rivaled Jensen's that Josh teased her mercilessly for. 

In a fit of sentimentality that had completely blindsided Jensen, Dad had given him an actual freaking car as a housewarming gift. Of course, he played it off that he was getting a new one and the trade in value was next to nothing, so Jensen might as well take it, but Jensen heard the 'I love you’ in the gesture all the same. 

Mom had said that since he'd be really living on his own now that he needed a way to come visit. Her eyes had gotten a little misty and Jensen had blinked hard a few times to clear his own. Misha's warm hand squeezed his shoulder, support that he drew strength from. 

Since then it'd been pretty smooth sailing. They fit into each other's lives seamlessly and disagreements between them were rare. They still happened, sure, but there was never anything big enough that some time and an apology couldn't fix it. 

“Hey, babe?” Misha called out from the kitchen, startled Jensen out of his thoughts. 

“Yeah?” 

“Can you go grab milk? I thought I had enough for this sauce, but there's less than I thought in the carton.” 

Fondly, Jensen smiled to himself, “Sure, Mish.” 

He heaved himself off the couch and walked into the kitchen to grab the car keys from the counter. Took the time to crowd up behind Misha and wrap him in a hug. 

“Back before you know it.” Jensen said with a quick kiss to the side of Misha's head, just above his ear. 

“Thanks.” 

“Anytime.” 

It should’ve been uneventful. Should’ve been like any one of the countless trips he'd made to the store before that. Less than a ten minute drive to the place with cheap groceries, a drive he knew like the back of his hand. 

All it took was one person's negligence as Jensen pulled through a green light at an intersection. The crunch of metal and glass came as a total surprise, he hadn't even seen it coming. His ankle jammed awkwardly and pain shot up through his leg just before his head smashed into the window and everything went black. Jensen didn't even have time to be scared before he passed out. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just thought I'd share that while I was writing the chapter I pretty much just listened to The Only One by James Blunt on repeat. XD

So far Jared's summer had sucked ass. He'd been home since the end of April and whatever small part of him had clung to the misguided hope that Jensen would come home too had finally kicked the bucket weeks ago. He wasn't coming and no one would tell him a damn thing about why. 

At first Jared had just silently hoped Jensen would show up one day. That they'd run into each other and like they always had been, they'd be helplessly drawn to one another. It was a stupid fantasy because Jensen couldn't have made it any clearer that he was done with Jared if he'd written it in permanent marker. 

And the worst part was Jared couldn't even blame him. It hadn't taken long at all for Jared to regret what he'd done with Jensen, to realize the mistake he'd made. When he'd broken up with Jensen he hadn't for a second thought it was really the end. In his mind, it was like letting Jensen go and  _ knowing _ they'd come back to each other when they were ready. He just hadn't thought Jensen would cut him off like that and it hurt. 

He knew now that Jensen hadn’t believed for a second that he’d been thinking of how leaving would hurt Jensen. That he’d really thought it would hurt Jensen less in the long run if he ended things before he went. The idea of Jensen alone in his dorm room constantly waiting for Jared when he was the one who’d chosen to leave hurt worse than the alternative of letting him be free. Letting him move on. 

Or it had until the time’d actually come to give him up. That last kiss from Jensen’d almost broken Jared. His heart had already felt shredded before that, but the desperation on Jensen’s perfect lips had torn it clear out. And he’d almost called it all off. Begged Jensen to stay with him, to never let go but he couldn’t. It wasn’t fair to him. 

So he’d given Jensen his best smile to cover up the way his heart was breaking and he’d walked away. Barely been in California for an hour before he broke down and cried pathetically in a bathroom stall until his lungs ached and his eyes burned. Wanted so bad to turn around and get on the first flight back, but he couldn’t. If there was one thing Jared’d never been short on it was stubbornness. So he pushed through it, made it to his dorm room. 

It wasn’t until the next day that Jared’d realized Jensen wasn’t answering his texts or calls. At first he’d told himself that Jensen was just busy gearing up for his own move but the longer that went by the clearer it became: Jensen was cutting him out. All of Jared’s carefully crafted walls had come crashing down, bitter regret and cold fear had twisted up his stomach for weeks. 

He’d sent more texts, made more calls than any rational person would’ve but nothing. Not so much as a sign that Jensen was even getting his messages. So he’d asked Josh if Jensen was okay. From the confusion in Josh’s voice, he’d been clueless about what Jensen was doing and when he got back to him, told him Jensen was moving on… 

Well, it hadn’t been pretty. Meltdown was putting it mildly. He knew he shouldn’t ‘ve been so hurt, he knew Jensen had been against breaking up, knew Jensen had wanted to do the long distance thing. But Jared’d honestly thought that Jensen would realize he was right once they were apart. The problem was, Jared hadn’t been right. He was wrong. So fucking wrong and there was nothing he could do to fix it. 

Jensen wouldn’t answer his calls or texts. Probably wasn’t even looking at them. So Jared gave up. Stopped trying to get in touch with him. He’d thought, if Jensen could move on, so could he. And fuck, he’d tried. So damn hard to forget those gorgeous green eyes and plush pink lips. The guy who could single handedly make every morning worth waking up for, who’d loved him with everything he’d had. And what’d Jared done with that? 

Fucked it up like he always did. 

Even considering all of that, it’d turned out that some dumb as fuck part of Jared had still held out hope for him and Jensen. He pretended he was fine, but he just kept thinking if he could  _ see _ Jensen, he could apologize, beg his forgiveness, something. He could get him back. For that to happen, though, Jensen had to see him in person. 

Unfortunately, Jensen hadn’t come home and when he’d tried to find out why, Josh had said it was none of his business. Jeff’d told him that if Jensen wanted to talk to him he'd know. So now he was moping around his parents’ house, sleeping in until noon and staying up until the crack of dawn just trying to distract himself until he could tuck tail and run back to California in September. 

Maybe he’d never come back after this, because missing Jensen when he was on the other side of the country fiercely hurt, but this? Being surrounded by the places they’d spent so much time together in? It was the worst form of torture. Literally everything reminded Jared of what he’d lost. Self-loathing was constant. If he wasn’t so stupid, Jensen would be there with him right then instead of wherever. If he wasn’t such a complete goddamn moron he’d have realized that this was exactly how Jensen would react.

Because Jared knew Jensen better than anyone. Knew that Jensen habitually shut down when something overwhelmed him. Should’ve anticipated that this was what would happen, but no. Jared had been too caught up in his own ambitions, in the excitement of going somewhere new. Seeing things he’d only dreamed about. Turned out though, none of that meant a fucking thing because all he wanted was Jensen back. 

“Jared?” His mom called up the stairs and Jared turned away from the window where he’d been staring at Jensen’s house across the street. 

He cleared his throat and yelled back, “Yeah?” 

“Come down for supper, sweetheart.” 

With a sigh, Jared complied. Forced himself to walk away, go downstairs and act like he gave a damn about anything anymore. Mostly he just half-listened while everyone else talked and whenever someone asked him about something in particular he bullshitted his answer or deflected the conversation to someone else. 

After supper he finally got to be alone again while he rinsed the dishes and loaded them into the dishwasher. Mom and Dad had taken Meg and her friend to a concert that she'd begged them to buy tickets for and Jared was just relieved that he didn't need to put on a mask for anyone, if only for a few hours. 

A few dishes from the last, his phone rang in the pocket of his jeans and he hastily dried his hand on the front of his grey t-shirt before he stuffed it in his pocket and pulled his phone out. Caller ID was from a hospital in the city and Jared’s heart stuttered. A thousand worst case scenarios flashed through his mind in the time it took to accept the call and bring the phone to his ear. 

His voice was husky when he said, “Hello?” 

“Hi, I’m looking for Mr. Jared, ah, Padalecki?” A man’s voice replied and Jared nodded before he remembered he needed to use words.

“Yeah. Yeah, hi, I’m Jared.” 

“Mr. Padalecki, I’m sorry to bother you this evening, but you’re listed as the emergency contact for Mr. Jensen Ackles-” 

“Jensen?” Jared’s knees gave out and he wound up on the floor while panic and fear clawed at his throat. “Is he- Is Jensen-” 

“Mr. Padalecki, he’s okay. He’s been in a car accident and he's unconscious but stable. Jensen’s going to be fine, he’ll just need someone here when he wakes up and you’re listed.” 

Jared blinked hard at tears he hadn’t felt start. Wasn’t sure if it was relief or concern or what, but God. 

“Yeah, okay. I’m about an hour away. I’ll just- I’m on my way.” Jared said as he got himself off the floor and jogged for the front door. He hung up the phone and only stopped long enough to step into his boots and grab the keys to his dad’s truck. 

Strung out on worry for Jensen, Jared was barely aware of what he was doing, just got into the truck and peeled out of the driveway, took off for the hospital. It didn’t even occur to him to call someone, he was too upset, and there was this weird glow in the pit of his stomach that Jensen still had him listed as his emergency contact. That he hadn’t bothered to change it since last summer when he’d gotten a concussion during a lacrosse game and he’d asked if Jared wanted to be on file in case of an emergency. 

At the time, Jared had been a messed up mixture of touched and guilty. He’d already known he was leaving and hadn’t worked up the nerve to tell Jensen yet. Or maybe it had less to do with nerves and more to do with being selfish. He’d wanted things to stay the same for as long as they possibly could. Wasn’t ready to let Jensen go yet, not until the last possible second. So he’d said yes, that big dimpled grin on his face that’d let Jared get away with pretty much anything for most of his life and he’d kissed Jensen like their kisses weren’t numbered. 

Fuck, he wished they hadn’t been. That he hadn’t thought he could make things easier for either of them. Because there was nothing easy about this and Jared couldn’t imagine long distance being harder. He should’ve listened to Jensen. Jensen who was hurt and alone in a hospital. Who needed someone there with him. Jared hadn’t even stopped long enough to find out what was wrong with him, how badly he was hurt. Too stuck on the fact that Jensen was okay and that he was still his emergency contact. 

And he  _ knew _ he shouldn't get his hopes up, it might've meant nothing, but fuck it. Hopes were raised. This was his chance to make things right. To fix everything. Jensen would wake up and he’d be there. He’d tell Jensen how sorry he was, how much he regretted everything. And he didn’t deserve Jensen to forgive him, but God, he hoped he would. If he could take back what he’d done, he’d do it in a heartbeat. He just hoped that would be enough.

Jensen was the only one for him. The only person who really mattered. Jared didn’t know what he’d do if after everything Jensen still didn’t want to talk to him. He chewed his bottom lip as miles sped beneath the truck. His thoughts raced and his heart was beating too fast. Too many possibilities clogged up his brain and a sheen of sweat beaded up at his temples, his upper lip and the hollow of his throat. 

He just needed to see Jensen with his own eyes, needed to be sure he was okay. He didn’t even notice he’d forgotten to grab a jacket until he’d parked in the hospital’s parking garage and climbed out of the car into the icy cold. A shiver worked its way down his spine as he quickly walked to the doors. Once he was through them, Jared looked around, totally overwhelmed and no idea where he was supposed to go. Fuck, he was so stupid. Why the hell didn’t he ask the guy on the phone before he hung up? 

Anxiety made his breaths turn sharp and he took a few hesitant steps forward, one foot in front of the other until he found an information desk where he was pointed in the right direction. Somehow he found Jensen’s nurse and she reassured him that Jensen was okay as she led him to the room he was still sleeping in. 

Mentally, Jared had tried to prepare himself to see Jensen unconscious in a hospital bed, but the reality was so much worse. A broken leg, a nasty gash a few inches above his left ear that was stitched up. He looked… wrecked. Paler than usual, freckles dark spots against fragile looking skin. Jared sucked in a breath as he walked over beside the bed. His fingers involuntarily came up to trace over Jensen’s cheekbone, across the bridge of his nose. The same path they’d taken countless times before and his chest ached with familiarity. 

Softly, Jared whispered, “Jensen?” 

The nurse cleared her throat and Jared’s hand dropped to his side as he turned and looked helplessly at her, like she knew some secret that would make all of this better. “So, like I was saying, he’s doing great for his condition. We’re waiting for him to regain consciousness, but so far everything looks good. We’re expecting he’ll have a mild to moderate concussion. So when he wakes up, he might be confused, dizzy. He’ll probably have a pretty bad headache and some nausea too. Both from the head injury and the medications he’s been given.” 

Jared nodded along with what she said, but his eyes were drawn back to Jensen. After a bit more explanation about Jensen’s injuries, the nurse, whose name Jared hadn’t caught, left them alone. After a moment’s indecision, Jared dragged the chair in the corner up next to Jensen’s bed and collapsed into it. 

Hesitantly, he reached out and took Jensen’s hand in his. They fit together just like he remembered, perfect. He shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t be holding Jensen’s hand when Jensen wasn’t his anymore but he couldn’t help it. He needed that physical reassurance that Jensen was okay. Jared had always had trouble keeping his hands to himself, even moreso where Jensen was involved. 

Inside, Jared was a jumble of fucked up feelings. Too damn many to process, but underneath it all was this little bit of hope that wouldn’t fuck off. Just barely kept him from losing it. From falling apart. He ended up leaned over the bed, Jensen’s hand clasped between both of his and his forehead rested on them, just waited with his eyes closed for Jensen to wake up. Silently begged him to open up his eyes so that he could really be completely sure he was alright. 

Hours crept by before Jensen’s fingers twitched and Jared’s head whipped up just as Jensen’s eyelids fluttered open and he blinked, “Misha?” 

_ Misha? _ Whatever, not important because right then Jensen's beautiful green eyes that Jared had missed so goddamn much focused on him. Wide and shocked, tinged with hurt and just this little small bit of warmth that Jensen quickly shut down. Jensen’s lips parted but he didn’t say anything, just flinched and closed his eyes like his head was killing him. Probably was, Jared reminded himself. 

“Hey.” Jared said softly. “Been waiting for you to wake up for a while. Always did like to make an entrance.” 

Slowly, Jensen’s lips tugged up into a little smile, “That was you.” 

“Right.” Jared laughed, a little watery. “You just went along with my crazy ideas.” 

For a second Jensen’s smile was warm like Jared remembered, fond, and then it froze and Jared’s heart lurched in his chest, “Jared, what are you doing here?” 

“You-uh- you were in an accident.” Jensen raised a sarcastic eyebrow and Jared rolled his eyes. “The hospital called me. I’m still your emergency contact.” 

A little bit of surprise filtered into Jensen’s expression, “Oh. Well, you could’ve called mom or dad. You didn’t have to come all the way here.” 

The inside of Jared’s stomach twisted furiously. Of course he could’ve, he was so stupid. Of course Jensen wouldn’t want him to be the first person he saw after he got hurt. Not after what Jared had done. 

“Sorry.” Jared stuttered out. “I didn’t think. Never think. I just… I panicked, okay? You were hurt and we haven’t talked in so long. God, Jensen, for a second there I thought they were gonna tell me you died. So, yeah, I just got in Dad’s truck and drove right here.” 

Jared took a deep breath and scrubbed one of his hands through his hair, noticed that the other was still holding Jensen’s and he hadn’t pulled away yet. That little spark of hope inside him flip-flopped and Jared just knew this was his one chance to get it right, to show Jensen how sorry he was. 

“Jensen, I’m so sorry. You gotta know that okay?” Jared pleaded, eyes on Jensen’s as he tried to read every flicker of emotion there. “I never should’ve pushed you away. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I was so fucking stupid. Never should’ve let you go, Jen. You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I… I fucked up, I know-” 

“Jared-” Jensen tried to interrupt, finally pulled his hand away and Jared’s stomach dropped. 

“No, just- I need you to know.” Jared cut him off. “I never stopped loving you, alright? Not for a second, Jensen. I know you don’t wanna talk to me anymore. You probably hate me. I would. Just, I wanted you to know I love you. And I missed you every second since I walked through security at the airport.” 

Like he didn’t believe what he was hearing, Jensen gently shook his head, this pained look on his face like his heart was just as broken open as Jared’s felt. 

“I’m not asking you to forgive me right now. You don’t have to make any decisions or anything. I just- missed you so fucking much.”

Finally, Jensen seemed to gather himself enough to answer, “I- Jared, I have a boyfriend. That I live with. And- I'm sorry, I wish things were different. God, I do. Missed you so much, you have no frickin’ idea. But I love Misha.” Jensen admitted, eyes turned down and sadness tugged at his lips. “I didn't think I could ever-” A hard swallow, “I just… I love him.”

Jared was shocked but he shouldn't ‘ve been. It'd been a year and look at Jensen, of course he’d found someone. Of course he’d done exactly what Jared had told him he should. 


	7. Chapter 7

The look on Jared's face was like a scalding hot knife that stabbed clean through Jensen's ribs and lodged in his chest. Everything Jared'd said was something Jensen would’ve died to hear not that long ago but now… Now, it just ripped him apart because it was too late and Jensen felt torn in two. 

Jared’s hazel eyes were wide and glassy as he swallowed hard and Jensen just wanted to reach out to him. Part of him wanted to take back what he’d just said but he couldn’t; it was the truth. If there was one thing Jensen for damn sure wasn’t, it was a cheater. He’d never do that to someone and Misha deserved his loyalty. He might not be able to help the ache in his chest or the longing he still felt for Jared, but he loved Misha. 

They had a life together. A future. Jared’s eyes closed for a second and all of Jensen’s old feelings hit him smack in the face. All this time, all this distance and he was still hopelessly in love with Jared Padalecki and his stupid floppy hair and it wasn’t fucking fair. Jared had  _ left him.  _ Jared had broken his heart and left him behind to clean up the pieces. And he had. Jensen’d picked himself back up and moved the fuck on. 

He’d found someone he could be happy with. That he  _ was _ happy with and now Jared just had to come back and fuck it all up with his apologies and his feelings and what the hell was Jensen supposed to do? Even if he still loved Jared, he was in love with Misha too. Loved him every bit as much as he loved Jared and Misha hadn’t ever hurt him. Hadn’t done anything to deserve the way Jensen’s thoughts and heart were far less loyal than he wished they were. 

Misha deserved so much better and even if it shredded him up, Jensen couldn’t tell Jared he still loved him. Couldn’t tell anyone. 

Jared’s eyes opened again as he exhaled and just like that the visceral hurt wiped off of his face. That smile that flashed his dimples peeked out and Jensen had to blink to keep up. 

“I, um. Wasn’t expecting that… but, it’s okay, Jensen.” Jared’s voice was soft, warm and the sound of it amplified the hollowness in Jensen’s chest. “I’m sorry I bothered you.” 

“Jay-” Jensen started, stopped, panic in his own voice startled him. Jared was saying goodbye again and even though it was his fault, Jensen didn’t know how he was supposed to let him go. “I- can you just… stay? For a bit. I don’t- I just-” 

“Hate hospitals?” Jared filled in, that same smile but wider on his face as he settled back in his chair. “Don’t wanna be alone here?” 

“Yeah.” Jensen breathed. “Something like that.” 

Jared nodded and Jensen tried not to feel so relieved because one way or another, pretty soon he was gonna be saying goodbye to Jared. He’d need to let him go because Misha- 

_ Oh fuck,  _ Misha. “Shit.” 

“Jensen?” 

“Misha.” Jensen said, lips turned down in a frown. “How long have I been here? He’s probably freaking out. I only went out for milk.” 

Jared’s brows pulled together, “Few hours at least since I got here and I got the impression you’d been here for a bit before I drove down. You were all patched up when I got here anyway.” 

Patched up? Jensen finally took the time to survey his body and noticed the cast on his leg and the dull pain that was creeping in there. Add that to the massive headache that was jackhammering his brain and the stinging itch on the side of his head and wow, he was a little more fucked up from the accident than he’d thought. 

“Fuck. I need to find my phone.” Jensen mumbled as he reached under the blanket to check his pants pockets. Then promptly realized he wasn’t wearing pants. 

From the bedside table, Jared picked up Jensen’s phone and handed it to him, “Still haven’t upgraded this piece of crap?” 

Without much heat, Jensen glared at him as he pressed the power button. Thanked his fucking lucky stars when it lit up. Low battery but hopefully enough. Twenty-five missed calls, all from Misha. Fuck. “Still works, man. Don’t need to get every damn new phone they come out with.” 

Jared just smirked as Jensen tapped to call Misha and put the phone up to his ear. It rang twice and then Misha’s panicked voice answered, “Jensen?”

“Hey, Mish.” 

“What the hell’s going on Jensen? Are you okay? Do you have any idea how worried I was? Where are you-” 

“Babe, slow down. One question at a time, okay? I know I freaked you out, but I’m okay. I’m at the hospital-” 

“Shit. Fuck. Are you okay?” Jensen heard rustling over the line that was probably Misha throwing back the blankets. 

“I’m okay, just got in an accident.” He said gently as he tried not to scratch his head. Probably shouldn’t touch what was likely stitches. Wasn’t the first time he’d had them and he recognized the way they itched and pulled.

“You- Oh fucking shit. I never should’ve sent you for milk.” 

“Yeah, I’m probably not gonna be picking anything up for a while.” Jensen said with a weak chuckle. 

“Wait, you said you were okay.” Misha shrewdly observed. “That doesn’t sound okay.” 

Jensen picked at some lint on the blanket while he considered whether Misha would be more worried if he told him he’d broken his leg or if he’d feel better if he knew ahead of time. 

“Jensen, if you’re hurt, I need to know, alright? Maybe I’m overreacting here, but all of these worst case scenarios are- I just.” Misha’s voice cut off on a quick inhale and Jensen could practically hear the gears turning in that brilliant brain of his.

“Breathe, Mish. I promise I’m good. Just a broken leg, looks like, and I think I cut my head. Got a bitch of a headache and feel like crap too, so odds are I got a concussion.” Jensen said calmly. 

“What do you mean looks like?” Misha asked and there were more faint noises and then the jangling of keys. 

“Well- I uh,” Jensen started. 

“You didn’t talk to the doctor yet, did you?” 

“No?” 

There was silence on the line for a second and then Misha let out a little half-hysterical sounding laugh. “So what, you just woke up and before you even called the nurse you called me?” 

Jensen’s lips drew up in a bit of a smile, “Kinda.” 

Misha growled, a half-frustrated, half-amused sound. “Okay, I’m on my way. Gonna catch a cab. Just let them know you’re awake, alright?” 

“Will do.” 

“Babe?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Love you.” 

Guiltily, Jensen’s eyes flashed over to Jared before they settled back on his lap. “Love you too.”

He hung up the phone and set it down, finally risked a glance back up at Jared, expected to find hurt and sadness but he just had this soft little smile on his chewed pink lips. 

“So, Misha’s on his way, huh?” Jared said casually. 

“Yeah- Jared- I- sorry, I-” Jensen bit his lip to cut himself off, didn’t know what he was trying to say, just that he was sorry for rubbing it in. Sorry for making Jared stay for that because he  _ still _ couldn’t let him go. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Jared said, and he sounded sincere… but Jared had always been a good actor, hadn’t he? It was hard to tell when he was just faking something, covering up how he really felt. Jensen was damn good at telling the difference most of the time, but when Jared honestly didn’t want him to know, well… Jared was a good actor. “I’m not gonna say I’m not jealous of him, but I’m glad, you know? That he seems like a good guy for you.” 

Cautiously, Jensen replied, “He is.” 

“Good.” 

There was a bit of a pause and then Jared shifted in his seat uncomfortably. Desperate to change the subject and keep him there just a little longer, Jensen asked him about California and Jared looked pretty much as relieved for the subject change as Jensen was. He told him about his little crappy dorm room and his possibly psychotic but fun roommate Chad. Told him about the spring break road trip they’d taken along highway one. About the stops they’d made in all the little seaside towns and how gorgeous the water looked at sunrise. 

And Jensen got sucked right into Jared’s stories after the check up he went through when Jared called the nurse in. Got caught up in the excitement in his voice when he described the huge aquarium they’d stopped at and how Chad had gotten them kicked out. He found himself laughing along with Jared like old times, cheeks flushed and despite his raging headache and the nausea that was kicking in, the exhaustion, he didn’t want it to end. 

Eventually though, Jared sat up a little straighter, eyes on the door and Jensen looked up to find Misha there. Jensen smiled, a mix of happiness and guilt, and Misha’s eyes went a little soft and wet. His mouth parted in a little sad o. 

“Misha, I’m fine.” Jensen said gently, but Misha shook his head as he walked into the room, wrapped Jensen in a hug that hurt like a bitch because his chest was bruised from his seatbelt but he didn’t stop him. 

“I was so fucking scared.” Misha said brokenly, quietly. “You didn’t come home.” 

Jensen rubbed his hand over Misha’s back, “I know, Mish. I’m sorry.” 

“Not your fault.” Misha said as he pulled away and scrubbed a hand over his face, eyes red rimmed and a little puffy, but fuck, still just as gorgeous as ever. He glanced over at Jared, like he’d just noticed him and tilted his head the slightest bit. 

Jensen finally grew some manners and said, “Misha, this is-”

“Jared.” Misha interrupted. “I recognize you from Jensen’s pictures. I’m Misha.” 

Widely, Jared had on his most charming smile, the one Jensen knew he used when he thought he was in trouble and he was trying to get out of it. “That’s me. Nice to meet you.” 

“Likewise.” Misha said, though his voice was unsure and he glanced over at Jensen, brows raised, a silent question Jensen understood in a heartbeat: What the fuck is he doing here?

“Uh,” Jensen mumbled as he rubbed the back of his neck, “turns out I need to update my emergency contact. The hospital called Jared when I was unconscious.” 

“Oh.” 

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I didn’t even think to update that stuff and it was irresponsible, you wouldn’t have been worried for so long if I wasn’t such a dumbass.” Jensen said tiredly. 

“You’re not-” Jared and Misha both burst out at the same time before they stopped and smiled awkwardly at each other. Jensen couldn’t prevent the laugh that escaped him at that. 

“Right.” Jared said as he stood up from the chair. “I should- yeah. I’m gonna take off, Jen. Looks like you’re in good hands.” 

Reluctantly, Jensen nodded because this was it. Jared was walking out of his life again and this time it was probably forever. And the crack that that tore in his heart settled guilt over him like a weighted blanket. His head throbbed and his thoughts were sluggish, but he forced a little smile onto his face for Jared, “Thanks for coming.” 

“Sure. See you around, Jensen.” 

Jensen bit his lip and nodded, “Bye Jared.” 

Just like that, Jared walked out the door with a last sad smile for Jensen, so reminiscent of the last time that Jensen had to suck in a deep steadying breath and blink away tears. Misha just moved over into the chair Jared had vacated and gave Jensen a minute to sort through his thoughts. 

“You alright?” Misha asked when Jensen opened his eyes again. “That must’ve been a bit of a shock.” 

“Yeah.” Jensen sighed and scratched his nose. “I dunno. I’m pretty out of it right now.” 

Misha’s fingers brushed over his cheekbone before he tilted Jensen’s head to the side a little, “Looks like it hurts.” 

“‘S not so bad.” Jensen winced when his head throbbed and Misha just raised an eyebrow. “Really. Just got a concussion, I’ll be fine, okay? They wanna keep me overnight and then I get to come home. No fuckin’ clue how I’m gonna go back to work like this, but I’m sure Felicia’ll figure out something for me to do.” 

Concern all over his face, Misha’s lips tugged down, “Maybe you should take some time off. Are you even allowed to put weight on your leg?” 

“Mish, I’ll be fine, okay?” Jensen said. “The break wasn’t too bad and the spot it’s in was the best case, I guess, for an ankle break. I gotta take it easy for a few days and keep it up but I’m gonna be fine with crutches for a week or two and then I’ll be able to start walking on it a bit more. They said I’m looking at six weeks of healing, but coulda been worse, so…”

Misha still didn’t look convinced and despite the swirl of emotions that were screwing with Jensen’s head, he had to smile at him. 

“What?” Misha asked with a frown. 

“Just love you.” Jensen said with a little smirk. 

“Shut up. I’m allowed to worry about you, okay?” Misha said defensively before his face softened. “Ugh. And I love you too.” 

Warm and dry, Misha’s lips brushed against his and Jensen smiled into the brief kiss. Couldn’t help himself. He tried with absolutely no success to convince Misha to go home for the night and get some rest, but Misha said he was too keyed up to sleep anyway. Said he’d feel better if he could keep an eye on Jensen. Which Jensen pointed out was creepy. Misha just rolled his eyes and told him to get some rest. 

The protest Jensen had been about to mount, the one where he explained he’d actually already been asleep for several hours, not to mention the upheaval his emotions were going through after unexpectedly seeing Jared were soundly debunked when the nurse came in and topped up his pain medication. The second his physical discomfort eased a bit, Jensen felt himself sink down into sleep. Managed to gather just enough energy to grab onto Misha’s hand before he passed out again. 


	8. Chapter 8

The next few weeks involved a lot of repression on Jensen’s part. He tried to act like things were fine, like he was fine. The truth was that he was anything but. On top of having a busted ankle and bruised ribs from his accident and having to deal with the mobility challenges that that presented for him, he had a crapload of guilt over feelings he couldn't help.

He hadn't talked to Jared since he’d seen him at the hospital and it'd been almost a month, but Jensen couldn't move on. Couldn't forget that sad, shocked look on Jared’s face. Those glossy multicolored eyes and that smile. That play through the pain little smile that tore Jensen up. The easy way they’d fit back together.

It was stuck in his head and Jensen felt like the worst scum on earth. He had someone amazing that he loved, who loved him back and he just couldn’t be satisfied with that could he? What kind of selfish asshole could ever look at Misha and what they had together and think he wanted more? It wasn’t that Jensen loved their life any less. That he was unsatisfied or something with Misha. It was just that part of him, deep, deep down couldn’t let go of Jared.

Had never really let him go and Jensen couldn’t help wondering what that meant. Did that mean he didn’t really love Misha? Because it sure as hell felt real. The idea of losing Misha hurt just as much as actually losing Jared did. Any time Jensen thought about it, his stomach twisted nauseously and his throat got all scratchy. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for Misha, to make sure Misha was happy. That Misha stayed.

Part of why he’d been keeping all of his feelings bottled up was because he was terrified that if he admitted it out loud, Misha would assume that he didn’t love him. That he’d do that thing where he always put Jensen first. Would tell him to go back to Jared because he was clearly still in love with him. But Jensen didn’t want that. Or he did, but he wasn’t willing to trade Misha for it.

So pretty much Jensen was stressed out and fucked up and day by day it was getting worse, not better. He’d started smoking again although he’d quit before he’d moved in with Misha. A shitty habit he’d picked up and hated, but he just needed something to focus his mind.

Even if taking a deep breath in hurt, hey, they’d told him to do it anyway. No one’d said it had to be fresh air he breathed in. He knew he was taking his pain pills too frequently because they helped him zone out, curbed his anxiety a bit. It was obvious that something was going on with him and Jensen knew that Misha could tell.

There were these speculative looks that Misha gave Jensen from the corner of his eye, like he was trying to figure out a puzzle that he didn’t quite have the pieces for and no amount of faking it was fooling him. Which just added to the weight Jensen was carrying because it was so fucking wrong, hiding anything from Misha but especially something this big.

It probably wasn’t possible to be a lower form of crap than Jensen felt like he was. Actually, no, that wasn’t true. He had one saving grace: He wasn’t acting on the feelings he still had for Jared. He wasn’t maintaining any sort of secret relationship with him. Hadn’t even entertained the thought. So, it was probably possible to be a shittier person than him, but it’d be fucking hard.

“Hey,” Misha called out from behind him as Jensen reached for the handle on the front door. “You headed to work?”

Startled Jensen turned to look at him and the smile that crept onto his face at Misha’s dishevelled appearance wasn’t even fake. He looked adorable in his blue lounge pants and matching t-shirt with a sock monkey on it. Eyes squinted like he’d just rolled out of bed and still couldn’t open them fully to the morning light.

“Yeah, thought you were still asleep. Didn’t wanna wake you.” Jensen said with an affectionate smile as Misha closed the distance between them. He let Misha kiss him softly before he pulled away.

“Mmm. Time’s it?” Misha asked as he cuddled up against Jensen’s chest, careful of the cane Jensen was still using to support some of his weight and tucked his face into the curve of his neck.

“Almost eleven-thirty. Gotta be to work for noon but I thought I’d walk today. Make a stop in the park if I need a break.” Jensen told him as his free arm wrapped around Misha. He’d just honestly never get tired of the way Misha fit perfectly there. Belonged.

Sleepily, Misha let out a little sigh, “Kay. Want me to pick you up when you’re off? I’m gonna head to the library for a bit this afternoon. Get some work done.”

“If I do I’ll text you, but I think I’ll be fine.” Jensen said truthfully. He’d been able to go further distances lately and he was pretty sure he’d be okay.

Misha pressed a quick kiss to his neck before he reluctantly peeled himself off of Jensen. “Alright, well, take your time and be safe.”

One more quick kiss and Jensen was out the door. Hot summer air oppressive and he almost reconsidered his plan but it wasn’t that far and he could take a break in the shade if he really needed it. Out of habit he grabbed the mail from their mailbox and stuffed it in his bag to check on his break.

The walk to work was a little rougher on him than Jensen’d thought it would be. Mainly because it was hot as ass out but he made it there on time. Even had a little to spare so he grabbed an iced coffee and chugged it as he dropped his messenger bag off in the break room. He took a second to cool off and slip into his customer service persona, then turned his red baseball cap backwards in time honored tradition before he limped out to the stool Felicia’d already set up for him in front of the cash register. As he sat down he flashed a smile over at her before he took his first order of the day and called it over to Tyler.

The system she’d set up to accommodate him worked decently but Jensen actually missed working the machines and a few of the regulars had mentioned that Tyler just didn’t make it like Jensen did. The day crawled by slowly and when it was time for his break Jensen was beyond ready to head out back for a bit. He struggled to his feet and winced as his ankle twinged under his weight.

“Hey, you okay?” Felicia asked curiously.

“Yeah, just need a minute.” Jensen said with a smile he didn’t mean.

“Well, you’ve got twenty, go take it easy for a bit.” She told him.

“S’posed to be fifteen.”

“What can I say? I’m feeling generous. Now shoo.”

So Jensen went. He grabbed a coffee and headed out back. Set his coffee down on the windowsill beside the ashtray that sat there while he got his bag and sat down in the sole foldable metal chair that was placed at the window. He dug out his pills and lined the bottle up next to the ashtray, should probably have grabbed a muffin or something to take them with, but whatever. As soon as his coffee cooled some, a couple of them had his name on ‘em.

While he waited for his coffee to reach his ideal temperature he finally pulled out the stack of mail that he hadn't checked yet. A couple bills and then beneath those, a postcard. On the front was some dumb California tourist trap picture, and Jensen’s heart leapt into his throat. His hands trembled as he flipped it over to read the back…

He didn’t know what he expected to find, but it just said, “I'm happy for you, Jen. Even if I miss you every damn day, I'm just glad you're happy. Stay that way for me, okay? -Jared”

Shakily, Jensen put the postcard on the windowsill, opened the window, pulled out his pack and lit up a cigarette. Let the familiar sensation of smoke fill his lungs, the rush of nicotine soothe him between sips of too-hot coffee while he stared blankly out the window. He wasn't even aware he'd finished until Felicia popped her head into the backroom looking for him. Numb or overloaded or something, Jensen just stared helplessly out at the blinding sunlight and couldn’t think right.

One look at his face and Felicia told him to go home. Take the rest of the day. Totally unlike him, Jensen didn’t even put up a fight. Just gathered up his stuff and left. The walk home barely even registered for him. He was a mess of conflicted feelings. He knew Jared still loved him. He’d told him that in the hospital. But… some part of Jensen had been convinced that Jared would move on now. Get over him, even if that thought hurt.

Except this postcard… Jared wasn’t over him, he was heartbroken. He was giving up. Letting Jensen know it was okay even if it hurt him. That he wanted what was best for Jensen even if it wasn’t him and Jensen didn’t know how to deal with that.  Did it even matter? It shouldn't. He had Misha. And Misha was enough, damnit. Misha didn’t deserve this from Jensen. He should fucking man up and forget all about Jared. Be happy.

Only… It did matter. It mattered so fucking much. Jensen felt like he was drowning, like his foot was stuck in thick mud and water was rising all around him. Breaking Jared’s heart _hurt._ Bad enough when he’d had to tell him about Misha, but Jensen’d been able to shove the feeling down. Ignore it. Now he was face to face with it. Now the evidence of it sat in his bag on the living room floor. He could hear the words on that postcard in Jared’s voice. Could see the shiny green-brown-blue of his eyes and the gentle smile he would’ve had on his face as he’d said them.

Barely aware of the time passing, Jensen sat curled up on the couch until Misha finally got back from the library late that evening. Only dimly noticed the sound of the front door opening and Misha’s footsteps as he walked down the hall into the living room.

“Babe?” Misha asked and Jensen looked up, found Misha standing in front of him looking so damn worried and gorgeous and something inside of Jensen just tore wide open.

This was it, he was gonna lose everything, but he couldn’t stop the tears that welled up in his eyes anymore than he could help the words that tumbled from his mouth.

“I’m so-so-” Jensen swallowed a sob as Misha dropped to his knees in front of him, hands on Jensen’s thighs like he could steady him. And he just waited, patient like he always with Jensen. “I’m sorry. I don’t- I can’t.”

“Just breathe Jensen.” Misha said softly. “It’s okay, alright? Whatever it is, it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere. So just take a deep breath and tell me what’s going on, alright?”

A million different parts of Jensen were screaming out for him to shut his mouth before he screwed this up even more, because Misha said he wasn’t going anywhere, but he would. If he knew, he would. Except Misha just kept steady eye contact with him, his thumbs rubbed back and forth soothingly over Jensen’s thighs and Jensen was so tired of carrying this horrible secret. Tired of pretending he was fine when he wasn’t.

“I’m- Misha, I’m still in love with Jared and I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t know what the hell I’m s’posed to do ‘cause I love you too. So fucking much and you probably don’t believe me, but I do. I just- I don’t wanna lose you and I can’t get the fuck over him either. And I’m just so fucking sorry. You don’t deserve this- I just- I-”

None of the emotions that Jensen had expected to see play out in Misha’s eyes did. He’d expected anger, sadness, betrayal, but all he got was concern and this sort of understanding that he wasn’t sure what to do with. Misha’s hand cupped his cheek and Jensen snapped his mouth shut.

“Let me ask you a question.” Misha said and Jensen just nodded and blinked the wetness from his eyes. Tried to ignore the tracks that burned hot on his cheeks. “Loving Jared… Does that make you love me less?”

Vehemently, Jensen shook his head. “No, God, Mish, no.”

“And you haven’t acted on your feelings, right?” Misha asked, though it didn’t sound like a question, it sounded like a statement of fact, like even after everything Jensen’d said, he still believed in him.

“No- I’d never. I wouldn’t do that to you.” Jensen rushed to affirm.

“But this whole time you’ve still been in love with Jared.” Misha frowned a little and Jensen wished he could take back everything he’d said just to spare Misha the pain he had to be feeling.

“I guess, but it wasn’t like that.” Jensen tried to explain. “I thought I was getting over him, and God, you were perfect. Falling for you was so damn easy, Mish. I just thought, that must mean I was getting better, right? If I loved you, that had to mean I was over Jared. Except it was more like it was just buried. And-”

“And when you saw Jared again last month it brought everything back to the surface?” Misha guessed.

Ashamed, Jensen just nodded and dropped his gaze. “He told me he’s still in love with me. Before he knew I had you, he said he was sorry and he loved me.”

Silence hung thick in the air for a minute like Misha was processing that. “And what did you say?”

Jensen shrugged a shoulder, “I told him about you. How much I love you. That I missed him, but I love you.”

Tentatively, Misha smiled at him then and Jensen tried to give him one back, but his chest was still tight with anxiety, with the need to lay everything bare and let Misha decide what he wanted to do. Because this wasn’t just Jensen’s secret anymore, this was his confession and Misha would get to be the one to decide what he wanted to do once it was all out. Jensen wouldn’t blame him if he broke up with him, told him to get out. It’d hurt like hell, but he’d deserve it.

“So what happened today?” Misha asked and Jensen’s eyes flew to his bag on the floor across the room before they landed back on the blue of Misha’s.

“Jared sent me a postcard. It was…” Jensen bit his bottom lip and tried to will away the fresh set of tears that were welling up. When the fuck had he turned into such a goddamn wuss. “It was a goodbye.”

“Oh, Jensen.” Misha pushed up into his space and wrapped his arms around him. Pulled him into a tight hug and Jensen was so damn confused, because Misha should be mad. Misha should hate him and instead he was holding him, comforting him.

“I’m not-” Jensen gasped in a breath and tried not to let it out as a sob. “Not ready to say goodbye to him and I wish I was. I don’t wanna lose you and you’re gonna hate me.”

“Never,” Misha whispered as he leaned in, disgusting tear-soaked face, betrayal on Jensen's lips and Misha kissed him like he didn’t care. If Jensen’s heart was broken before, it was a lost cause now. Raw and hollowed out and he was gonna lose this because Misha was way too good for him. Even as Misha’s hand fisted in his hair and pulled him closer, as his tongue slid hot and just a little possessively into Jensen’s mouth, he just thought he couldn’t lose Misha, he needed him.

“Not going anywhere.” Misha told him, voice shot to hell when he pulled back. “Jensen, I love you. This is gonna be okay. We’re gonna be okay.”

Desperately, Jensen wanted to believe him but he couldn’t, “How? Misha, how is this okay?”

“Because, we’ll make this work.” Misha said firmly, sincerely. Jensen’s lips parted but Misha shook his head. “We _can._ You think you’re the first person to fall in love with two people at once?”

“I-”

“Lemme save you the time, babe: You’re not. Doesn’t mean you don’t love me. Or that there’s something wrong with you, alright? So you gotta stop thinking that. I _know_ you love me, so stop worrying that I won’t believe you.”

“Misha…”

“Just listen for a sec, okay? You’re not happy with the way things are and that kills me but not for the reason you think. Jensen, all I want is for you to be happy. The way we make this work? What if you pursued a relationship with Jared too?” Misha suggested, eyes bright like he’d found the perfect solution, but Jensen’s brain just couldn’t keep up.

“What? Like we have an open relationship?” A hypocritical surge of jealousy clawed Jensen’s chest at the thought of Misha being with anyone else.

“No.” Misha said patiently. “Not like an open relationship. I don’t want anyone but you. This is just about you. About giving you what you need.”

“Won’t that…” Jensen worried at his bottom lip with his teeth, still felt like garbage. Like he was making Misha say this and he’d regret it later. “What if it changes things? What if you hate me for it? Or- or you change your mind.”

“It won’t. I won’t. Because if we do this, we’re gonna be up front about everything. And honest. No more secrets okay? If we want this to work, you have to talk to me.”

Still skeptical, Jensen rubbed his palm over his face. “Okay, but even if it doesn’t change anything between us… What if Jared doesn’t want me anymore? Or doesn’t want to share? And- and even _if_ he was okay with all of that, he’ll still be in California after the summer.”

At that Misha paused, turned contemplative and Jensen tried to calm his pounding heart, tried to steady his breathing.

“So we talk to him.” Misha finally said. “We invite him over and lay all the cards on the table. Give him the chance to figure out how he feels about it and we deal with the rest when the time comes.”

Nervousness jangled hotly in Jensen’s stomach. He worried this was gonna be another story that Misha started with ‘it seemed like a great idea at the time’. But Misha was optimistic. He said he wanted Jensen to be happy, and this was how they did it. And even if Jensen still thought he was a selfish dick for wanting this, he badly, badly wanted Misha to be right.

“It’s gonna be okay, Jensen.” Misha repeated. He finally climbed off of the floor and sat beside Jensen, pulled him against his chest and Jensen went willingly when Misha adjusted them so they were laying on the couch, Jensen on top of him with Misha’s arms snug around him. “I know you and I know you’re thinking about all the things that might go wrong. But there’s one thing that’s a hundred percent for sure.”

Jensen turned his face into Misha’s chest and inhaled deeply, let the comforting scent of him calm him down. “What’s that?”

“That whatever happens next, you’ve got me.” Misha said, so sure of himself, of them that Jensen had to trust him. “So take that off of your list of things to freak out about.”

“Love you.” Jensen mumbled into Misha’s t-shirt. Ignored the way his eyes pricked with the emotions that swelled in his chest.

Misha’s hand rubbed soothingly over his back, “Love you too. So I’m thinking tonight we order in and basically just lay here like lazy assholes. Sound good?”

The smile that curved Jensen’s lips up was totally genuine and he felt lighter than he had in a long, long time. “Yeah. Sounds good.”


	9. Chapter 9

It took almost another week of talking it over before Misha got Jensen to text Jared and invite him over. He wasn’t the least bit surprised when Jared cautiously accepted the invitation. Asked what was up but Jensen had just said they needed to talk. Which Misha thought was fair. As much as he wanted things to work out for Jensen’s sake, he couldn’t help the little irrational part of him that was annoyed at Jared for breaking Jensen’s heart in the first place. Patently stupid, was what that was because if he hadn’t then Misha wouldn’t be with Jensen right now. And yet, he couldn’t help that he was mildly concerned about whether Jared had really learned his lesson here. 

Lesson being that Jensen deserved to be treated better than that. Deserved to have a say in things. And most definitely, didn’t need Jared to hurt him again. Misha just hoped that if he declined their offer, he’d at least do it graciously. Not make things harder for Jensen. It wouldn’t be a lie to say that Misha was a little nervous about what would happen if Jared turned this into an ultimatum. Wanted Jensen to choose. 

He knew Jensen loved him, could feel it. But how did that measure up to his childhood sweetheart and first love? That was the thing Misha wasn’t so sure about. Jensen said he couldn’t lose him, but could he lose Jared again? Even though he’d talked to Jensen about his concerns and Jensen had reassured him that he wasn’t going to leave him for Jared, Misha still had a tickle in the back of his mind that warned him this was dangerous territory. 

Maybe some lizard brain possessive trait he needed to work on, but he wasn’t gonna let it get in the way. From the day they'd met, all Misha had ever wanted for Jensen was for him to be happy. And it didn't bother him the way other people would probably think it should that he needed Jared's help to make that happen. 

Misha didn't see it as a shortcoming of his or Jensen's, just saw it as an alternative relationship model. Some people were happy in a relationship with one person and some people were capable of loving more than one person. Of sustaining relationships with multiple partners. 

And even though he didn't see himself ever wanting anyone but Jensen, he understood where Jensen was at. Understood how much it tore him up that he wanted them both. He wished he could take away the societal conditioning that made Jensen feel that way but he couldn't. He just hoped that if things went well that night and given time, that Jensen would accept that there wasn't anything wrong with him. 

At seven p.m sharp there was a hesitant knock on the door and Misha glanced over at Jensen. He was anxiously fiddling with the hem of the black t-shirt he was wearing. The one it'd taken him fifteen minutes of deep contemplation to pick out. Affection grew in Misha's chest, pushed out the nerves and he kissed Jensen reassuringly before he went to get the door. Left Jensen sitting on the couch in the living room. 

Misha swung the door open and put on his best welcoming smile, “Hi, Jared. C’mon in, Jensen's just resting his leg.” 

Awkwardly Jared nodded and kind of adorably bounced on his feet before he followed Misha inside. The house still didn't have much in the way of decoration, but on one wall of the living room Jensen'd started a collage of candid photos of them. So far there were a little over a handful, but Jensen had plans for it to grow. 

“Have a seat.” Misha said, and motioned to the well used lazy boy that he'd moved to face the couch. 

Jared glanced from Jensen to Misha, looked totally unsure of himself but he sat down. Well, at least he hadn't bolted from the get-go Misha thought as he sat next to Jensen and placed a reassuring hand on his thigh, rough denim beneath his palm. 

“Hi, Jared.” Jensen finally said, anxiety clear as a bell in his voice. 

A little straighter, Jared sat up in his seat, brow creased a bit, but a small smile on his lips, “Hey, Jen. What's goin’ on?” 

A wry smile crossed Jensen's face, tension was practically radiating off of him, but somehow he faced it head on. “I’m in love with you,” he said, no attempt to beat around the bush. 

“Oh.” Jared breathed, eyes wide as they flashed between Jensen and Misha. Almost comical enough to make Misha laugh but he reigned it in. 

“And-” Jensen took a small breath in, “And I love Misha too.” 

Jared’s lips parted, his eyes grew even wider and Misha really had to reign in the smirk that threatened to turn up the corners of his lips. But then Jensen started talking again and Misha’s amusement at Jared’s reaction flew out the window. 

“It’s selfish and probably fucked up. But I can’t choose.” Jensen said, gaze on his own lap. “I just… I love you both and I know you might not be okay with that. I understand if you can’t handle it, that, uh, it’s a lot to take in.” 

Frozen, Jared just sat there, same shell-shocked look on his face and Jensen finally braved a glance up. It seemed to shake Jared out of his petrified state and he finally blinked a couple of times before he tilted his head to the side a bit as he seemed to be working out what Jensen was trying to tell him. 

“I don’t-” Jared started then paused and licked his lips. “What are you saying?” 

Jensen leaned into Misha’s side like he needed the support and Misha squeezed his thigh a little, let him know it was okay. 

“I’m saying… Misha and I talked about it and he thought- we thought, why do I have to choose?” Jensen shrugged one shoulder in a motion that was almost actually casual.

“... So… what? Like an open relationship?” Jared said, then frowned when the two of them laughed. “What?”

“Sorry.” Misha managed, “Jensen said the same thing, the same way when I suggested it.”

“Of course he did.” Jared said, a little smile of his own. “Because this is crazy. Can't believe I'm really thinking about this.” 

“I know it's not exactly normal.” Jensen admitted. “And it's not something I ever considered before… It’s just, I need you both and I can't explain it any better than that.” 

Jared nodded a little jerkily and then his hazel eyes locked on Misha's, “And what? You're just okay with this?” 

“I am.” Misha said honestly. “I want Jensen to be happy, and he needs us both for that.” 

Jared chewed on his lip, face a confused mess of flickering emotion, “Don't you think you'll get jealous?” 

“I think it’s possible that feelings of jealousy might pop up now and then.” Misha admitted, face open and honest, “But it’s not something I couldn’t overcome as long as we’re all on the same page.” 

“And what page is that?” Jared asked cautiously. 

“That we love Jensen and we want to make this work for him.” Misha said. 

Slowly Jared nodded, brows still furrowed a bit. “‘Course, but how’s this gonna work? Like, logistically?” 

Amused, Misha smirked, “He’s not like a timeshare, Jared.” Jensen snorted and Jared rolled his eyes. “We play it by ear and we figure it out.” 

“Okay.” Jared said with a firm nod. 

“Okay?” Jensen asked, eyes wide as if he really hadn’t expected this outcome. 

“Yeah, Jensen. Okay.” Jared repeated with a smile that brought out his dimples full force and oh, hey, that was kind of cute. Not really the time to notice that, but, yeah. Cute. “I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I love you and if this is how I get to have you in my life, I’ll deal.” 

A frown tugged Jensen’s lips down a little, “If you think you can’t do this, you know that’s okay right? I don’t want you to feel like you hafta do this.” 

Jared’s smile turned mischievous, “When have I ever done something I didn’t wanna do?” 

Jensen laughed, “Pretty much never.” 

“Right.” Jared said, “so trust me when I say I want this. Want you.” 

Like the sun came out, Jensen’s face brightened and his grin was gorgeous. He glanced at Misha questioningly and somehow Misha knew what he was asking, said “Go for it.” 

Faster than a shot, Jensen was out of his seat, stumbled over and crowded into Jared’s space, lips on Jared’s. Some part of Misha wondered if he was broken in some fundamental way because it wasn’t jealousy that he felt as he watched Jensen kiss Jared. It was a weird satisfaction at how perfect and content Jensen looked like that, hand fisted in Jared’s long hair. And this undercurrent of arousal that he tried to push down because with how precarious everything seemed, it definitely wasn’t the time to float the idea of a threesome. Even  _ if _ that idea had merit. 

After a minute or so, Jensen pulled back, cheeks flushed pink and this shy, almost guilty smile on his face as he glanced back at Misha like he was checking if it was still okay. Reassuringly, Misha smiled back at him. Jensen bit his bottom lip before he kissed Jared once more, then sat back down on the couch next to Misha. 

Roughly, Jared cleared his throat and shifted in his seat, a little awe-struck, wistful look on his face and Misha was pretty sure all three of them were in the same boat. 

“God I missed that.” Jared finally confessed. “Going to California was such a fucking mistake. I miss you so damn much and I’m miserable all the time. What I thought I wanted and what I really wanted were two completely different things.” 

“Missed you too.” Jensen said quietly. “I'll miss you when you go back.” 

“Nah, screw that. I'm not going back.” Jared said with determination. “I'll transfer here.” 

Jensen frowned, “You can't just… Jared, that's a ridiculously big decision to make. You can't just spontaneously decide that.” 

In response Jared just relaxed back into the chair and grinned, “Yeah, hi, I'm Jared Padalecki and I'm impulsive.” 

“Jay-”

“Jensen.” Jared interrupted. “There's nothing waiting for me in California other than months of being away from you. And I know you'd be cool doing the long distance thing, but I'm not. I wanna be here with you. I wanna spend time with you that isn't stolen before I leave again. I wanna be here.”

“I-” Jensen hesitated, “I want that too. Just, I don't want you to resent me or something.”

“Not gonna happen.” Jared said with a lopsided affectionate smile that flashed his perfect white teeth.

“So…” Misha said delicately. “If Jared's planning to stay and move into the city, why don't we just let him use the spare room for now? At least until he can get a dorm room or find an apartment.” 

When silence met his proposal, Misha continued, “Yes, I know it's a big deal. No, I'm not crazy. Yes, it'll be an adjustment but, c’mon. Jared’s a student too. Not like he can afford to stay in a hotel or something and we have room.” He shrugged a shoulder. “Besides, maybe it's weird or whatever, but I think I should get to know my boyfriend's other boyfriend.” 

Jared chuckled at that and Jensen shot him a look. “This whole situation is weird.” Jared said, but he was smiling despite his words. “I don't think it's that far off base that you'd wanna make sure I'm good enough for him.” 

“If Jared wants to, I mean, yeah. Works for me.” Jensen said. 

“What d’you think Jared?” Misha asked. 

“Well, if you guys are sure you don't mind?” Misha and Jensen both nodded. “Then yeah. It sounds kinda crazy, but I actually think it's a good idea. Might save Jensen from feeling any guiltier if we're both around and he doesn't feel like he's gotta choose who to be with when, you know?” 

Pleased that Jared was considering Jensen's feelings in this, Misha agreed. They decided that Jared would head back to his parents place that night and move into the spare bedroom sometime the next afternoon. Jensen had said he thought Jared should take the night away and really think it over because it would be easier if he changed his mind then. 

Even though Jared assured him he wouldn't, he went along with it. Before he went though, Misha insisted on feeding him since they'd brought him all the way there. He ordered pizza and they ended up moving the furniture around, and no, not in the happy fun time way, so that the lazy boy wasn't blocking the TV. 

By midway through a baseball game that Misha wasn't even remotely paying attention to, Jensen’s head was resting on Jared's chest, his body tucked beneath Jared's arm, and Jensen's legs were draped over Misha's lap, cast a little heavy, but not crushing. Comfortable, warm and after a little bit it stopped being kind of awkward and just started to seem normal. 

They had pizza and cokes when the delivery guy got there and settled right back in for the end of the game. And weirdly, Misha thought he could get used to this. To the way Jared brought out this funnier, flirtier side of Jensen that he didn't get to see all that often. To the seemingly touch starved way Jared constantly had a hand somewhere on Jensen and before the end of the night, had started doing the same to Misha. 

The whole time Jensen kept throwing Misha these assessing looks, like he was waiting for Misha to put a stop to everything. Like he was looking for permission, but Misha didn't have even the slightest impulse to stop anything. Seeing someone else love Jensen like he did wasn't hurtful, didn't make him jealous. If anything it carved a new spot in his heart for Jared because seeing up close the way that Jared and Jensen loved each other, it was impossible not to notice how much Jared cared about him. 

How much Jensen had been missing and Misha found it endearing, the way Jared, much like Jensen, was deferring to him on acceptable behavior.  He put a pin in the thoughts that inspired too, for further exploration at some future point along with the threesome thing. For now though, he could at the very least say with fair certainty that he enjoyed Jared's company and he thought they could definitely be friends. Which would for sure make things easier for Jensen. For all of them. 

So before Jensen walked Jared to the door, gave him a lingering goodbye kiss, Misha had shaken his hand and told him he'd had a good time. Jared’d just smirked and pulled him into a giant hug, with a clap on his back. 

“Yeah.” Jensen had teased, “Since Jared's gonna be around more, you should probably get used to casual touching. He’s kinda tactile.” 

Once Jared had left and the door was shut behind him, Jensen turned around, knuckles white with strain on his cane and leaned up against the door. 

“Babe?” Misha asked as he walked over to him, “you okay?” Eyes closed Jensen absently nodded and Misha moved closer, pulled him into a full body hug. “Overwhelmed?”

“Yeah.” Jensen said on an exhale. 

“C’mon.” Misha said softly, temptingly. “Let’s go upstairs and I’ll give you a massage. Help you relax a bit.” 

“I don’t deserve you.” Jensen mumbled as he straightened up and Misha hated it when he talked badly about himself because to Misha, Jensen was everything. Deserved so much more than he could ever hope to give him even if Jensen didn’t see it that way. 

“Yes, you do.” Misha told him. “Whether you think so or not, you do. Now, bedroom before I change my mind about the back rub.” 

Jensen finally cracked a smile, “I should be the one giving you a massage.” 

“Next time.” Misha assured him. 

Overall he was pretty satisfied with how things were developing. He liked Jared, at least so far, and he figured that’d go a long way toward making this adjustment easier on all of them. With any luck they’d get through the start of this without too many hiccups. But for now, he was gonna enjoy his last night completely alone with Jensen for a while.


	10. Chapter 10

This was crazy. Totally insane. Absolutely way, way, way out of Jared’s wheelhouse and he was nervous, sure, but also incredibly excited. Sort of on a rush of emotion over getting to have Jensen back in his life. Even if it was in a completely unexpected way. He didn’t really have a script for how this was all supposed to go. But he was pretty sure that moving in with his former ex, now current, boyfriend and  _ his _ boyfriend the day after he got back together with him was like, nine kinds of nuts. Not to mention switching schools and uprooting his life. 

He should probably be scared of how easy that these decisions had been to make, only he wasn’t. Because it was for Jensen. Well, not just for Jensen, for him too. He wasn’t lying when he said he’d been miserable in California. Sure he’d had a lot of good times with Chad and some of the other people he’d met there but anytime he slowed down enough for reality to catch up with him, he spiraled into a pathetic mess. He could function without Jensen, but it fucking sucked and he didn’t  _ want _ to. 

Still, he hadn’t really told anyone what he was doing. Wasn’t ready to explain himself to his parents, to justify what he knew they’d see as rash behavior. And honestly, because he wasn’t even sure that he  _ could  _ explain. He’d just told his mom that he was planning to visit a friend for a while. He’d deal with telling everyone when he was more sure about where this was going. 

For now, he’d stuffed a duffle bag and a backpack full of his stuff and gotten his dad to drop him off a block away. Which seemed like overkill but the last thing he wanted was for anyone to put two and two together before he was ready to tell them about it. So maybe he was being paranoid. It wasn’t like their parents talked daily or anything but they did often attend the same social functions and well, point was, Jared had just waved goodbye to his dad and after he drove away, he walked down the street. 

On the front steps when he got there, Jensen was waiting. He was sitting on the top step, this faraway look in his eyes until he caught sight of Jared. Then his face shifted into a soft smile that blossomed warmth in Jared’s chest. 

“Hey.” He said as he climbed the steps and Jensen stood up just before he reached him. 

“Hi,” Jensen replied, leaned down and pulled Jared into a soft, sweet kiss that gave him goosebumps and set off a slow burn of desire in him. 

God he'd missed the taste of Jensen's lips, of the way Jensen's hands always wound up in his hair, the way Jensen kissed with his whole body. Pressed right up against Jared, not a hint of the shyness from last night. It was like sinking back into himself, and Jared melted into it. 

Before long though, Jensen slid his hands down and took Jared's duffle, nodded back toward the door and said “C’mon, let's go get you set up.” 

With lips that still tingled, Jared followed him inside, glanced around for Misha. Jensen caught him looking and raised an eyebrow, “What’s up?” 

“Oh, just wondering where Misha is.” Jared said with a casual shrug of one shoulder. 

This cute gooey look came over Jensen’s face when he replied, “Misha had office hours this afternoon but he went in early. Said he wanted to give us space to reconnect.” 

“Oh.” Jared said, honestly surprised though he couldn’t pinpoint why. “That was really, uh, nice of him.” 

Jensen just proudly grinned, “He is pretty great. Let’s go get your stuff into your room.” 

“Yeah, sure.” 

Jared followed Jensen down the hall and into the room he’d be staying in. A double mattress on a box spring sat in the middle of the far wall, a nightstand beside it and a chest of drawers that he recognized from Jensen’s room at his parents’ house. For some reason that little bit of familiarity soothed him, calmed his nerves. 

Jensen dropped the duffle gently inside the door and slid Jared’s backpack off his shoulders. Let it drop to the floor. So close to Jared that if he tilted his head up just a little more, Jared’s lips would be poised to kiss him. Pink and ripe and right there, and then Jensen pushed up a little and it was like the flood of emotions that Jared was keeping in check finally broke free. All of the desperation and loneliness of the last year bled out of him as Jensen kissed him, slid their tongues together in a motion so fucking well-rehearsed that it was part of them. 

All over him, Jensen couldn’t keep his hands still, they fisted in Jared’s shirt, smoothed underneath along his bare skin and then suddenly Jensen briefly broke their kiss to pull Jared’s shirt off. Back a second later, just as frenzied as Jared felt. He managed to get Jensen’s off not long after and God, the feel of him, soft skin and just a bit of definition against Jared felt so good, so right. 

And all Jared could think as Jensen focused and peeled their clothes off, pushed him back onto the bed, was how the hell had he ever walked away from this? From Jensen? Because ever doing it again would be damn near impossible. Would break him in every sense of the word. 

Jensen’s lips against his after he crawled on top of him, naked, was even hotter than he remembered. He ground down against Jared, delicious shivers of friction that made him arch up into Jensen. A little groan escaped Jensen’s throat as Jared gripped his hip bruise tight with one hand, the other on the back of his neck just shy of too hard the way Jensen’d always liked. 

“God, Jared.” Jensen said in a strained whisper. 

And Jared smirked, rolled his hips up just to feel the way Jensen shook a little against him. “How d’you wanna do this, Jen?”

For a long moment, Jensen just panted against Jared’s lips, rocked down against him and it wasn’t until Jared stilled him with both hands on his hips that Jensen finally answered, “Want you on top of me while you finger me and then I wanna ride you.” 

A quick flash of arousal settled in Jared’s gut, loved it when Jensen talked dirty, his voice just that little bit deeper, harsher with lust. “Yeah? I remember how much you loved taking my fingers. D’you still come just from that?” 

The pretty flush that spread across Jensen’s cheeks said yes louder than words could've, “Maybe you can try and find out later. Right now I just want you to fuck me.” 

Jared let out a low groan and leaned back further into the pillow so he could look at Jensen better, “Lube?” 

“Nightstand.” Jensen said as he rolled off of Jared, onto his back beside him. 

“Aw, you stocked the nightstand. Aren't you a perfect little host?” Jared teased. 

“Yeah, well, just for you. Don't let it go to your massive head.” Jensen said as he leaned up on one elbow and watched Jared open the drawer. “Grab a condom too.” 

Huh. That was new, but then again it wasn't like they were still each other's first and onlies anymore so it made sense. 

“Just.” Jensen bit his lip and Jared immediately wanted to chase the faint line his teeth left behind with his tongue. “Just until we all get tested, to be safe. I promised Misha.”

Add that as another on the list of things Jared figured should probably bug him but didn't. Naked and hard on a bed with Jensen, about to get the lube and it should've made him jealous how warm Jensen's voice always got when he talked about Misha but it didn't. It just left sort of a glow in his chest that Jensen was being taken care of so well. That he was happy. 

“Of course. Yeah.” He replied and fished out a string of condoms. Ripped one off and left the rest in the drawer. Rolled back over to Jensen with it and the tube of Astroglide he'd found in one hand. “Makes sense.” 

He tossed the condom up on the pillow next to Jensen and set about uncapping the lube. Slicked up his fingers and then dropped the tube next to Jensen's hip to keep it handy. In a movement made smooth through practice, he slid on top of Jensen, fit himself between his legs, propped up on one forearm above his head. Like this was a moment he'd been waiting way too long for, Jensen shivered and sighed out a hot breath. 

The angle was a little awkward, but Jared knew just how to lean to fit his hand perfectly between their bodies, slipped it down as Jensen angled his hips for it. Perfect unison like they'd never stopped and Jared's fingers circled lightly, teased Jensen with brushes too gentle to do much more than make him desperate for pressure. 

“Jared, c’mon.” Jensen begged. “Need you.”

Mmm, exactly what he'd been waiting for and Jared pushed his middle finger in slow. Slid in easy and fuck that was hot. Hardly any resistance like he was freshly fucked and why that made him diamond fucking hard Jared didn’t exactly wanna examine, but it did. 

“Fuckin’ missed this. So damn hot inside.” Jared groaned against Jensen’s jaw before he scraped his teeth over the stubble that dusted it. Slipped another finger in faster than he normally would’ve but the hitch in Jensen’s breathing and the way he squirmed down onto it told him it was the right call. 

“Love your fingers.” Jensen groaned as Jared brushed firmly over his prostate, rubbed it until Jensen was a gasping mess while he peppered open mouthed kisses along the column of Jensen’s neck, sucked at the spot just under his ear that always made Jensen lose it. 

Didn’t fail and Jensen bucked up wildly beneath him with a loud moan that sounded vaguely like Jared’s name. Perfect opportunity and Jared took it, pressed a third finger into him, Jensen’s fingers locked onto Jared’s bicep, hard enough that he was sure they’d leave bruises, but then, Jared was leaving one on Jensen, so fair’s fair. He fucked his fingers into Jensen’s tight, hot, ass and kept up suction on that spot with flicks of his tongue and gentle bites until Jensen’s fingers fisted in Jared’s hair and tugged him up into a messy kiss. 

Against his lips, Jensen whispered, “Fuck me, Jay. Wanna be yours again.”

Yeah, Jensen never did pull any punches when it came to getting what he wanted. And it’d take a much, much stronger man than Jared to deny him when he was covered in a salty-slick layer of sweat that made his skin glow, that accented the blush that stained his cheeks, down his neck and spread to his chest. The puffy swell of his kiss bruised lips and those half-lidded green eyes sealed the deal. Smelled like fucking heaven too, all masculine and sex and Jared didn’t stand a chance. 

Carefully withdrew his fingers and grabbed the condom before he sat back on his heels, watched Jensen’s rapidly rising and falling chest as he tore open the wrapper. He let himself take in every little bit of Jensen on display while he rolled the condom on. The thick jut of his cock, flushed dark and pink tipped, pearl of precome beaded on top for a second before another little blurt was forced out and slid down his shaft. Shiny and so fucking sexy. 

Quick as he could, Jared lubed himself up and then they traded places. Jared on his back, bed still warm where Jensen’s skin had heated it, Jensen with his knees on either side of Jared’s torso. Positioned himself over Jared’s admittedly generously sized cock and reached behind himself to guide it in, his other hand on Jared’s chest for balance. Jared’s breath caught in his throat at the pressure against his sensitive head before Jensen’s body eased and let him in. 

Like it remembered how, like Jensen’s body was made to be stretched hot around him like this, he sank down silky and tight. “Fuck, Jen.”   

A flash of a dirty smirk crossed Jensen’s lips, “Tryin’ Jay. Forgot how fuckin’ big you are.” 

Jared slid his hands down to palm Jensen’s ass cheeks, “Mmm. Big all over. C’mon, baby. You can take it.” 

Jensen shivered, nipples perky and tight and Jared couldn’t resist reaching up. He rubbed his thumbs over both dusky peaks and Jensen’s head dropped back, eyes closed as he rocked on Jared’s cock. So fucking hot. Slow at first, Jensen built up a rhythm that Jared’s body instantly synced with, pushed up into every drop down Jensen made. Little grunts, groans escaped both of them and the air filled with the sound of them, skin against skin and slick wet noises that Jared fucking loved. 

Lips parted, face a picture of pleasure, Jensen looked amazing. Felt goddamn incredible and it was all Jared could do to keep himself from coming too soon. Wasn’t like he’d forgotten how damn amazing at this Jensen was, how hot he was, but memory and reality were wildly different. His hands wound up on Jensen’s ass again, grabbed on and pulled him down faster as his hips punched up and Jensen gasped, eyes suddenly on Jared’s, almost too much. A mess of feelings in his chest, love and longing and the hurt of being apart reflected back at him in the glossy shine of Jensen’s vibrant green eyes. 

“Jen..” Barely a breath. 

“Love you.” Jensen said shakily. 

“God, you too.” Jared got out, watched while Jensen slowly came apart over him and just when he felt his own orgasm quickly catching up to him, he wrapped his fingers around Jensen’s hard, leaking cock and roughly jerked him off. Hand a blur of motion as Jensen slammed down faster and faster. Lip caught between his teeth again, Jensen curled forward when his climax hit. Sexy fucking grunt that along with the way his body clamped down on Jared’s cock slammed him headlong into his own. A rush of intense pleasure that cascaded from his gut out through his limbs and left his fingers and toes tingling in the aftermath of it. 

Soft against his face, Jensen’s fingertips as they brushed over his cheekbones, pushed back the hair matted to his forehead, brought Jared gently back down and he let out a slow breath as he floated bonelessly warm with afterglow. High on being with Jensen and endorphins. His eyes were still closed, but he felt it when Jensen pressed a soft kiss to his lips before he gingerly reached back and wrapped his fingers around the base of the condom, gently lifted up until Jared slid all the way out of him. 

Cold air on his heated over sensitive skin finally fully roused Jared and he took over, got the condom off and into the trash. He wanted to crash right back onto the fresh sheets and pull Jensen into him but he knew the drill. Shower first, then cuddling. So he let himself be pulled along to the bathroom. 

After a quick shower that could probably have been considered more of a soapy, wet, cuddle than utilitarian in nature, they were sufficiently cleaned to Jensen’s standards and they made their way back to the bed once they’d dried off. Climbed under the covers and Jensen set an alarm on his phone so that if they fell asleep they’d still be up in time to make supper. 

With Jensen’s head pillowed on his chest, arms tight around him, Jared finally felt like he was where he belonged again. His hands couldn’t stop smoothing over Jensen’s bare skin. Over his back, along his arms and Jared didn’t even try to curb the impulse. Besides, the contented sigh Jensen let out was like a signed confession that he’d missed it too. 

“So how was that for making you mine again?” Jared teased gently. 

Jensen choked on a laugh, “Shut up. You know the rule about bringing up the dumb shit we say during sex.” 

A laugh bubbled up in Jared’s chest because yeah, he did, but that’d been too good to pass up. “You’re right. My bad.” 

“Whatever.” Jensen said with a smirk, then his cheeks flooded with color. “And it was perfect.” 

Jared’s lips spread in a wide grin as he replied, “Yeah, it was.” 

They lapsed into silence after that and spent the time until Jensen’s alarm went off in a lazy half-asleep haze. Just reveled in being with each other like this again and how good it felt. Like the wounds of the last year were knitting themselves back together, healing. 

Jensen pressed a soft kiss to his chest, reverent. Said quiet and vulnerably, “I’m uh, really glad, that you said yes.” 

Affectionately, Jared carded his hand through Jensen’s hair, “Me too, Jen.” 

If he’d had any remaining doubts about the situation he’d found himself in, they absolutely would’ve been wiped clean by the way Jensen’s arm tightened around his waist, the way he shifted into the last little bit of space between them and just clung to him like he still couldn’t believe that Jared was there. Like he was worried he’d disappear.  

Later, while he and Jensen were in the kitchen making supper, Misha finally came home. Smiled warmly at the sight of them. He said a polite hi to Jared, and kissed Jensen softly, one hand cupped over his jaw. Cute the way Jensen blushed as he sank into it. Jared turned his attention back to the sauce he was stirring. Consciously made the effort to give them some privacy. 

A few seconds later Jensen was back as he dumped pasta into the boiling water next to the pot Jared was working with. Misha started throwing together a salad, and it really ought to have been weirder than it was, the three of them making a meal together. But conversation flowed easily and they just… meshed. Maybe it was Jensen’s good taste at work, Jared thought with a smirk. 


	11. Chapter 11

The next few weeks passed easily by. Things between the three of them were working out fairly easily and they were just, comfortable, Jared guessed. Misha was rapidly becoming a close friend, which was odd, but so was the situation he supposed. Falling back in with Jensen and finding his place with the two of them was surprisingly obstacle free. He’d gotten himself accepted and transferred to the same university as Jensen and Misha and everything was going great. 

Pretty much the only thing that was bothering Jared about the whole situation was that he hadn’t found a part time job yet. He had some money in savings, not much but enough to get by. He wanted to chip in for rent and bills while he was staying with them though and Jensen wouldn’t even talk about it until he found a job. He said they were fine and not to worry about it. And of course, Misha agreed. 

Eventually he landed a job at a nearby bookstore which suited him perfectly. The hours were flexible and he could line his time at work up with Jensen’s. Basically that meant he got to spend a lot of time catching up with Jensen. Got to be the one who took him to get his cast off and went to his PT appointments with him for moral support. 

Sometimes Misha tagged along when he didn't have to be at school as a TA for summer courses. Seemed to Jared like they'd established a level of security already where Misha trusted him to do this for Jensen, to help out when he couldn't and it made a strange bit of pride glow warm in his chest. 

Jensen and Jared had some great days marathoning TV shows, or hanging out around the house together. Marathoning other things together too. It’d been a damn long time since Jared’d felt as satisfied with his life, as fulfilled as he did then. 

Over the rest of the summer all three of them ended up gradually spending more and more time together. What had started off as basically being roommates who happened to share a boyfriend soon became a deeper bond. Jared was sure he ought to have felt uncomfortable with the idea, but it was hard to be uncomfortable when Misha was grinning that dorky smile that lit up his whole face at him. With sparkling blue eyes and little crinkles at the corners of his eyes, the whole nine yards. 

And Jared had to agree with Misha, a place where he could add as many toppings to his ice cream as he wanted  _ was _ right up his alley. So the three of them headed out. It wasn’t like it was a date or anything, but when Jared held the door to the ice cream shop open for them, Jensen and Misha’s matching fond smiles set off a flutter of nervous excitement in his stomach that he pushed down as he followed them in. 

Pretty soon he forgot all about that weird little moment in favor of salivating over the massive array of candy at the self-serve ice cream bar.

“Dude.” Jensen said as he caught sight of the truly gigantic mountain of candy that filled Jared’s cup. Everything from skittles to rainbow belts, some m&m peanuts, oreo bits and a bunch of other junk. Basically anything Jared liked that he’d seen. “That’s like 99% candy.” 

“I know, right!” Jared exclaimed gleefully. Literal kid in a candy store happy. “Best ice cream ever!” 

Misha laughed brightly from the other side of him, “Honestly Jared, I’m not sure if that even qualifies as ice cream after what you did to it.” 

“Pft. Whatever.” Jared said with an amused chuckle. “I improved it.” 

After they paid, they sat at a round table in the back and Jared instantly dug into his candy. He debated for a second what to eat first and went with the rainbow belts. Perfect combination of sour-sweet fruit-like flavor that he loved. They joked around and talked as they ate and overall, were having a pretty damn good time.

It was no surprise that Jared found himself focused on Jensen’s mouth, that was basically a given where Jensen was concerned after all. No, what caught him off guard was that he kept noticing the way Misha was eating his ice cream, how good his full pink lips looked wrapped around the spoon, the way his tongue flicked out to catch drops that he’d missed. And his brain couldn't help but supply extremely detailed, incredibly hot images of what else Misha’s mouth would look good doing. To him. Or Jensen. Or hey, why not both of them?

Right about the same time he realized just how long he’d been staring, he glanced away, and judging by the smirk on Jensen’s face he’d definitely noticed Jared's little lapse. Cheeks flushed and pants a little snugger than they were five minutes ago, Jared shifted uncomfortably before he quickly excused himself to the bathroom and stalked away. 

In front of the bathroom mirror, he stared at his own face while he had a very alarmed mental conversation with himself about all of the reasons he shouldn’t start having feelings for Misha. Things were complicated enough the way they were, right? And Jensen’d always been the jealous type. Remember that time at that party? When some guy who'd been a little too drunk and handsy had grabbed Jared's ass and then before anyone else’d had time to react, Jensen had decked the guy. 

Remember the crazy, possessive, hot as hell sex in the upstairs bathroom after? The way Jensen had pushed him up against the countertop, sank down to his knees in front of him and sucked him off like his life depended on it. And after Jared had come straight down Jensen's throat, he'd been the one on his knees while Jensen roughly fucked his face. Dirty talked while he did it all about how Jared was his and God, Jared’d gotten off on it so much that he'd been hard again before Jensen’d even come. He'd fisted his cock and jerked it fast and dirty and he came all over the floor while Jensen spattered his face.

So yeah, Jensen might be okay with being the one who was with two people, but he might not be as cool if Jared and Misha were into each other too. Possessiveness wasn't really a trait he was short on and as much as Jared usually found it hot as hell, it would definitely be a problem if Jensen suddenly found himself jealous of him and Misha.

Plus, what if it was one sided? What if Misha didn't think of him that way? Wasn’t like he’d ever expressed any interest in him whatsoever. 

It wasn’t Misha’s fault that he was ridiculously good-looking, smart, funny, and on top of all of that a really selfless person. God, Jared was so screwed. It was one damn thing to share your boyfriend because you loved him and wanted him to be happy. It was another to have feelings for your boyfriend’s other boyfriend. Frustrated with himself, he rubbed his hand over his face then looked back at his reflection. Yep. So screwed. And he had a boner. This was just a great fucking day. 

A couple of deep breaths in to gather himself and a quick trip into the stall to tuck his dick up in his waistband, pull his t-shirt down to cover everything as best he could, a trick he'd learned a while ago to deal with, well, usually inappropriate Jensen induced boners, then he headed back out. Jensen’s face was already pinched with concern when Jared walked over, and he felt even guiltier. 

“Listen guys, I’m not feeling great. I’m, uh, gonna call it a day.” Jared said probably a little more gruffly than he'd meant to. 

“Oh.” Jensen’s lips pursed before he stood up. “Probably all the candy.” Jared shrugged a shoulder and gave him a weak smile as Jensen lifted his palm to Jared’s forehead. Checked him for a fever. “You don’t feel hot. Lemme just throw this stuff out and we’ll head home.”

“No, guys, stay and have fun, okay? I’m just gonna go home and crash anyway. I’ll be fine, promise.” Jared said as he guided Jensen back into his seat. 

Jensen’s frown deepened and Misha was watching him speculatively. Jared’s cheeks flushed even darker under his intense stare. 

“Are you sure?” Misha asked. “We don’t mind leaving early.” 

“Totally sure. I’ll see you guys later.” Jared leaned down and pressed a kiss to the top of Jensen’s head and shot a friendly wave at Misha, then took off for the door. 

He made it home in record time and like a moody teenager, he threw himself across his bed and buried his face in his pillow. Took a few stale breaths of air and tried to steady the frantic beating of his heart. This was bad. Really, really fucking bad. Whether he wanted them or not, he had feelings for Misha. That were decidedly no longer platonic. 

And Jesus, it wasn’t like he was blind, he’d known from day one that Misha was hot. That fucking dark, thick, messy hair, tanned perfect skin, perpetual stubble and those insanely blue eyes, how could he not have registered that. But… he’d been preoccupied with Jensen and hadn’t given those facts more than his passing attention. 

Hadn’t thought that he even  _ could _ develop feelings for more than one person. It’d never occurred to him that he was wired that way. He hadn’t thought there was anything  _ wrong _ with Jensen, but he definitely hadn’t thought he’d ever be capable of that himself. Only. Turned out he might be.  

And it was bad because he’d fuck everything up. He  _ always _ fucked things up and this was gonna turn out to be another good thing that Jared wrecked for himself. Just like leaving Jensen in the first place. The hell was he supposed to do here? His thoughts were racing, panicked. 

Maybe he needed to seriously consider moving out. There hadn’t really been any pressure to, and Jensen had seemed really content to have both of them there, but Jared was starting to feel like a freeloader anyway. And, well, if he wasn’t around Misha as much, then it wouldn’t be so hard to stop looking at him. Thinking about him. About all of them. 

The tension Jared felt after his revelation crept into their lives. Made everyone uncomfortable and Jared could tell they both felt it too. He spent his time at home in his room or else he tried to be out of the house more when Misha was there and he could see that it was wearing on everyone but what was he supposed to do? 

Pretty much the only way he could think of to keep his feelings under control, to get rid of them, was to avoid Misha. The last thing he wanted was for them to get any deeper. So yeah, he was screwing up the comfortable rhythm that had been their lives up until then, but he didn’t know what else he could do to stop himself from ruining it altogether. Every worried glance Jensen sent him when Jared made excuses to leave, every confused look on Misha’s face when Jared left the room piled up on Jared’s conscience. Made him feel shittier about everything because he was the one making them miserable. 

One morning not long after school had started up again, Jensen was still sleeping upstairs and Jared had his laptop open at the dining room table, kijiji ads for apartments open on it while he went to grab himself some cereal. He turned back around and found Misha looking at it with a hurt expression on his face. 

Jared froze up, didn’t know what to say to that. Didn’t get why Misha would be upset that he was looking for a place when he was technically supposed to have been doing it all along. Misha finally seemed to notice that Jared was watching him and he looked away. Mumbled a quiet, “Morning.” that Jared echoed.

Guiltily, Jared walked over and sat down as Misha went and got his own breakfast ready. He pushed his laptop back and set his bowl in front of it but he wasn’t hungry anymore. His stomach felt like twisted hunks of lead. He listlessly stirred his spoon through his cereal and tried to work up the motivation to take a bite. 

Before he got that far though, Misha’s voice, thick with disuse and rough with emotion interrupted him, “Jared, did I do something that made you uncomfortable?” 

Brows pushed closer together in confusion, Jared hastily said, “No- I, Misha, no.” 

Misha crossed his arms and leaned back against the counter, barefoot cute in his jeans and too-big t-shirt and this, this  _ right here, _ was why Jared had to leave. These thoughts that wouldn’t stop. 

“Okay, well then how come you’re planning to leave?” 

Answering that question was like walking through a goddamn minefield. Jared scrambled for a response that wouldn’t blow up in his face and finally blurted out, “I just think I should stop freeloading and get my own place. This whole living together thing was never supposed to be forever, was it?”  

Misha couldn’t argue with that, they both knew it because it was always temporary. Always just until Jared found a place he could afford even if it’d gone unsaid that he could stay. That they didn’t mind. All of the steam seemed to suck out of Misha, and his shoulders slumped a little.  

“Guess not.” He said, voice almost too soft for Jared to make out. “Jensen might take it the wrong way if you’re not careful when you tell him. Just. Make sure you do it soon. I don’t like keeping things from him.”

Jared nodded, “Yeah. I’ll, um. I get it. I’ll make sure Jensen understands. And I’ll tell him tonight.” 

Misha sighed and left the kitchen, empty cereal bowl left out on the counter like an accusation. In Jared's chest an ache started up that formed a lump in his throat. He swallowed hard and forced himself to actually eat his soggy Froot Loops. Thought about how the hell he’d be able to explain it to Jensen in a way that didn’t sound just as weak as what he’d told Misha because Jensen would see right through that line and know something was going on.


	12. Chapter 12

Ever since he woke up that morning things’d been weird. Off. Misha had gotten dressed to head to the library like he’d told Jensen he was going to the night before while Jensen snuggled down under their blanket and floated only partially aware of what was happening. 

He didn’t fully surface until Misha came back into the room and softly pressed a kiss to his forehead. It was normal, usual in that Misha did it every morning that he got up before Jensen, but it lasted longer. Seemed… sad somehow. 

“Mish?” Jensen mumbled almost incoherently, and Misha’s lips quirked up a little against his skin but it still felt wrong somehow. 

“Shh.” He said gently, voice hushed. “Go back to sleep, babe. Just heading to library.” 

“‘S goin’ on? You okay?” 

“Yeah.” Misha assured him, but Jensen heard the lie in his words. Wanted to press him for answers but his sleep muddled mind was sluggish and slow to respond. “I’m fine. Gotta go though, I’ll see you tonight, kay?” 

“Mhmm.” Jensen murmured and Misha pressed another kiss to his forehead before he left. 

His day didn’t get any less weird from there. Once he’d made his way downstairs, freshly showered and dressed, he found Jared in the kitchen on his laptop. And he displayed cat-like reflexes when he quickly slammed it shut as soon as he heard Jensen’s footsteps. Shot to his feet and turned around with a little half-smile that didn’t reach his eyes. 

“Hey, morning.” He said in a fake bright voice and Jensen quirked his head, glanced meaningfully between the laptop and Jared. Knew for a fact that Jared understood what he was asking, but instead of answering him, Jared just smiled brighter, moved closer and did his best to distract him with a kiss. 

And, well, it  _ was _ pretty distracting. Kissing Jared was something he never could say no to, so he gave in and relaxed against him. Let Jared think he’d won for now. Jensen could figure out what the heck was going on later. Right then, Jared’s big hands were pulling him closer by his hips and that seemed, much, much more important at the time. 

“Morning.” Jensen said breathlessly when Jared finally pulled back with a smirk. 

For the rest of the morning though, Jared was quiet and contemplative. He answered when Jensen spoke to him, but his mind was clearly occupied with something else and Jensen's attempts to coax whatever it was out of him had all been brushed off. They wound up on the couch and just watched some show that they were burning through, but Jensen couldn’t pay attention to whatever was happening on the screen. Something was wrong. Really wrong. He could feel it in the way Jared was tensely spread out next to him, like he was trying to act normal only he wasn’t pulling it off. Not even a little.

And then there was the way Misha had seemed so damn sad this morning and Jensen should’ve gotten up faster, should’ve pushed harder to find out what was wrong. His thoughts spun through the same old fears over the course of the day, through lunch and more of the show and he couldn’t stop the little details from adding up in his mind. He was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For everything to fall apart. Why in the hell had he ever thought this could work, that he could have both of them? Of course they wouldn’t be happy with that. 

Things’d been tense lately and he’d been trying to ignore it because he didn’t wanna face the fact that Jared and Misha  _ weren’t _ happy anymore. Selfish. God, he was so fucking selfish. Here were two people who gave everything to him, did everything they could for him and what was he doing? Sucking up everything they had to give and giving nothing in return. He’d just hoped that… 

What he’d hoped wasn’t relevant. His stomach was a twisted, gnarled cramp and his palms were sweaty and he just couldn’t sit there anymore and wait for Jared to tell him it was over. That he was leaving again. 

He stood up abruptly and at Jared’s questioning glance, said, “Be back in a few minutes. Just forgot something I was supposed to do.” 

Jared looked like he wanted to ask him about whatever it was, but Jensen just turned and headed for his room. Shut the door behind him and grabbed the bottle of leftover percocets he had from his nightstand drawer along with a cigarette and his lighter. Sat on the bed and lit up even though he knew that Misha hated it when he smoked in the house. Hated when he smoked period. He’d been better again about cutting down, almost ready to quit, but now? Well, everything was fucked now anyway, what was one more thing? 

The smoke was doing shit all to calm him down, his thoughts were still flying around his head at a hundred miles an hour and they were all bad. Because for a little while he’d been so happy. He’d felt whole again for the first time in so damn long and now it was all blowing up because he was too selfish to let one of them go. They were gonna make him choose, he just knew it. Wasn’t gonna survive it because either way it would be like cutting himself in half and that kind of wound didn’t heal, not ever. 

He twisted the pill bottle in his hand, cigarette stubbed out on the nightstand and tossed in the trash, ashes all over his clothes, the bed, and he wondered how many pills it would take to numb this. To stop everything. A pinprick of fear cut through the visceral pain he felt at his own thoughts. Frightened that he was actually considering this but it just hurt. 

God, losing Jared once had nearly ripped him completely apart, losing him twice, losing Misha? Jensen didn’t want to live through that. He couldn’t. He bit his lip and tears leaked out the corners of his eyes, tracked down his cheeks in too-hot trails as he swallowed his sobs. Turned the pill bottle over in his hand again and stared at it through blurry eyes. 

Before he got any closer to a decision, Jared pushed the door open. Jensen quickly used the sleeve of his dark green Henley to wipe away the tears on his face. Looked up and saw him taking in the scene, knew exactly when he put things together by the press of his lips together in a hard line, eyes shocked and angry like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. 

Jared marched over and grabbed the pill bottle from Jensen’s hands, “What the hell d’you think you’re doing, Jensen? Did you take any?” 

Wordlessly, Jensen just shook his head, almost numb as his whole body trembled and he couldn’t stop it. Should be able to stop it. 

“What the fuck were you thinking? Jesus, Jensen. Why?” 

The worry and fear that laced Jared’s voice pushed Jensen back into what was happening, jolted him out of the shock he’d been experiencing and he broke down. “I know you’re trying to be nice about it, let me-” Jensen bit his lip as a tear slid down his cheek and then sucked in air. “Let me down easy, but if you’re gonna break up with me again just fucking do it already because I can’t handle waiting for it to happen.” 

Jared’s lips pulled down into a frown and he crawled onto the bed in front of Jensen, sat back on his knees and looked him in the eyes like he was trying to see straight into Jensen’s thoughts, “Why would you think that I was breaking up with you?”

Jensen wiped his face off again, cheeks burning hot and miserable as he explained about the tension between Jared and Misha, how he could tell they weren’t happy. That everything was falling apart because he wasn’t enough to keep them both happy. 

“It’s my fault.” Jensen finished, voice raw, gutted, eyes on the wall behind Jared’s shoulder because he couldn’t look at him in the face while he admitted how pathetic he was.

“Jensen. This isn’t your fault.” Jared said, cupped his cheeks and made him look at him. Eyes full of regret and this sadness that stabbed at Jensen’s chest. “I don’t  _ hate _ Misha. There’s no tension between us. I  _ like _ Misha.” 

Confused, wary, Jensen asked, “If you like him then why are you avoiding us?” 

“No, Jensen, I  _ like _ him.” 

A lightbulb went off in Jensen’s head, “Oh.” 

“Yeah. Oh.” Jared huffed out a breath and ran a hand over his face. “I just didn’t wanna screw everything up, it was working so well and we don’t really need an extra layer of complicated. I don’t wanna hurt you Jensen. I just thought if I stayed away, maybe if I moved out I could get over this little crush or whatever that I have on him.” 

If he was confused before, now Jensen was well past it, “Why?” 

“Why what?” 

“Why do you need to get over it?” He asked, serious as his thoughts whirred in a completely different direction. Jared didn’t hate Misha. Jared wasn’t making him choose. Jared had a  _ crush _ on Misha and it would probably actually be hard for something to make Jensen happier than that set of circumstances. He had emotional whiplash, sure, but a sudden bubble of nearly hysterical happiness welled in his chest and he couldn’t control the grin on his face.

Jared’s brows furrowed, “Because…” 

Jensen smirked, “Because what? You think I’ll be jealous? Or you’re scared of what would happen if he liked you back too?” 

Predictably, Jared rolled his eyes, “Not scared.” 

“Totally scared. And also,  _ not _ jealous.” Jensen smirked wider. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t already thought about the three of us together.” 

Jared chuckled nervously before he admitted, “Me too. Once or twice.” 

And maybe if he hadn’t been sitting in a pile of ashes and his mouth didn’t taste like ass, that might’ve lead to something other than a slightly awkward half-hard dick for Jensen. As it was though, he finally realized the state he’d left the room in. 

“Shit.” Jensen groaned. “Misha’s gonna kill me for smoking in here. And the nightstand. Definitely gonna kill me for that.” 

Jared glanced at the nightstand and winced. Yeah, there was definitely no fixing that in the time they had, but, “I’ll wash the bedding and open the windows. You go shower and brush your teeth.”  

“I don’t wanna make you clean up my mess.” Jensen said as he scrubbed a hand over the back of his neck. 

“It’s my mess too.” Jared pointed out. “I’m the one who set you off instead of just talking to you about what I was feeling.” Jensen shrugged a shoulder and Jared climbed off the bed, pulled Jensen with him. “C’mon.”

“Thanks.” Jensen said, cheeks pink before he ducked out of the room to go shower. 

He took a quick shower, scrubbed his hair clean, thoroughly brushed his teeth, twice for good measure, and when he got back to the room he found fresh sheets on the bed, the floor swept. Jared was spraying a healthy amount of Febreeze in the air. He smiled when he saw Jensen standing there, towel wrapped around his waist and dropped the spray bottle on the nightstand. 

And it hit Jensen then, how much better this could still get if things worked out. If Misha and Jared fell for each other just as hard he’d fallen for them. Things were already great the way they were, but if he didn’t have to try and divide up his time between them? To worry that he was spending too much of it with one or the other of them? If they were just all together, how much easier that would be. 

He really hoped he’d get to find out. 

Jared sat on the edge of the bed while Jensen got dressed, heat of his eyes on the skin Jensen was covering up like a physical touch and Jensen turned when he had a pair of plaid pajama bottoms and a white t-shirt on. Smirked and said, “Let’s go lay down in your room for a bit.” 

Which Jared quickly agreed to and as soon as they were through his bedroom door, Jensen lost the clothes he’d just put on. They made love in the fading light of the afternoon to a soundtrack of Jensen’s dirty talk as he imagined out loud what it’d be like if Misha was there too. That Jared got off on it just as much as he did cranked Jensen’s arousal up even more. Hands intertwined over Jensen’s head, Jensen came first, hard. Didn’t take long at all for Jared to follow him over the edge and collapse heavily on top of him. 

Made breathing harder, but fuck if Jensen didn’t love the weight of him, the way he felt blanketed by him. He caught his breath in the curve of Jared’s neck, mouth open on his salty skin until Jared got up and tossed the condom. Wiped Jensen down with a t-shirt he grabbed off the floor and then curled up around him, rested his head on Jensen’s chest. He wondered if Jared was listening to the loud beating of his heart to calm himself down just like how Jensen did with him sometimes. 

“That was fucking hot.” Jensen finally said, when talking stopped feeling like it would be an intrusion on their quiet afterglow. 

“Yeah.” Jared agreed as his hand traced idle patterns over Jensen’s chest. 

He sounded a little nervous and Jensen kissed the top of his head. “I’m pretty sure Misha will be fully on board with this, if that’s what’s bugging you.” 

“Yeah but… What if he’s not  _ into  _ it? Into me?” Jared said anxiously. 

“Have you seen you?” Jensen scoffed sarcastically. “Pretty much everyone with a pulse is into you, Jay.” 

Jared cracked a smile at that, Jensen felt the tug of his cheek against his chest. “I don’t- I mean. I’m not worried he wouldn’t wanna bang us together.” Jared sighed gustily, “I just… kinda want it to be more than that.” 

Double time, Jensen’s heart picked up the pace and warmth spread through his chest. First of all, Jared being all shy was goddamn adorable. Second, he wanted that too. And for some reason, he had absolute faith that Misha would too. “Well, the only way we’re gonna find out is if we  _ talk  _ to him about it.” 

“Yeah.” Jared said with another little sigh. “Guess so.” 

“So, when are we gonna bring it up?”


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning, earlier than he would have liked, Jensen woke up in his bed. It was Sunday, which meant Misha was gonna be home all day. It was the one dedicated day a week where they made sure they didn’t have work and they could just relax together. Lucky for Jensen, Jared had a rare weekend off, so he was home too. He smiled lovingly at Misha, peacefully asleep beside him, hair stuck up at odd angles and dark long lashes that fluttered in his sleep. 

Quietly as he could, Jensen slipped out of their bed and went downstairs with plans to make breakfast. He was in the middle of pouring pancake pancake batter into a hot pan when arms slipped around him from behind and Jared started kissing and nuzzling his neck. 

“You're gonna make me burn the pancakes if you keep it up, you know.” Jensen said without much bite. 

As usual, Jared chose teasing Jensen over practicality and slid his hand down so his fingertips brushed under Jensen’s waistband. 

“Hey Jensen have you seen my- oh.” Misha stopped as he came fully into the room and must have realized what was going on. “I-uh, I can just- I’ll come back after- later, I mean.” 

In the curve of Jensen’s neck, Jared hid a smile at Misha stumbling over his words and then Jensen felt him tense up a little as he let him go and turned around. 

“Stay,” Jared told Misha, bedroom eyes out full force and Misha blinked hard in the face of them, glanced at Jensen, but Jensen was just smirking at him. Didn’t take long for Misha to catch up to what was going on, but he seemed understandably confused, probably over the sudden change in Jared’s mood. 

Jensen absently flipped a pancake as he watched Jared turned on the charm, one dimple out thanks to the lopsided smile on his face as he walked over to Misha. Ran his hand lightly along Misha’s arm from wrist to bicep and back again while he said, “I know I’ve been weird lately and it's been shitty for all of us. It’s just…” Jared glanced back at him and Jensen smiled his support. “I  _ like _ you. Kind of a lot and, well. I can’t stop thinking about you.” 

There was Jensen’s cue, Misha’s eyes flashed over to him, wide and so blue, cheeks flushed a cute shade of pink and Jensen added on, “We talked about it last night and we wanna know if you're interested in Jared too.” 

Like that was the permission he was waiting for, Misha caught Jared’s wandering hand and threaded their fingers together, sank his free hand in Jared’s hair and kissed him for all he was worth. 

Shiny pink lips and flashes of tongue and Jensen was fucking ecstatic and turned the fuck on, because hello fantasies becoming reality. And reality was  _ so _ much hotter in this case. With a last rough suck to Jared’s full bottom lip Misha pulled back and said,  “Fuck, I've been wanting to do that for weeks. Can’t stop thinking about you either.” 

There were grins all around at that, and then Jared smirked at Jensen, “How about we turn off the burner and go back to bed?” 

“That sounds like a plan I could definitely get behind,” Misha said as he tugged Jared closer with a hand on his hip, and sexy though that was, Jensen gave them both stinkeye. 

“Yeah, how ‘bout no? I just spent half an hour finding the ingredients and making pancakes from scratch. The least you two assholes can do is eat ‘em before they’re cold. We have all damn day to go back upstairs.” 

So they ate Jensen’s pancakes, which were goddamn delicious, Jensen might add. There was some banter and some pointed looks but by the time they’d finished eating they were all way too stuffed to do anything sexy. Jensen wanted them to go back to bed anyway and even though, as they found out,  there was for sure not enough space in a double bed for all three of them, they made it work. Jensen in the middle, Jared and Misha’s hands entwined over top of him. They talked quietly, flirted a little and Jensen was over the freaking moon with how easy, how right, it felt to have them both so close at the same time. 

Eventually their conversation petered off and they took a lazy Sunday morning nap all wrapped up in each other. Warm, surrounded with two men that he loved, Jensen was genuinely grateful that this was where his life had led him. Having a broken leg had sucked, but he'd do it again a hundred times just to get this moment right here. 

A loud thump startled Jensen awake sometime later and he sat up groggy and confused. Rubbed at his eyes and blinked to see what the hell’d happened. Misha was right beside him, propped up on his elbow and looking past him. Jensen leaned over the side of the bed and let out a loud burst of laughter because there was Jared sprawled out on the floor on his back and looking completely offended. 

“So, we’re gonna need a king size bed, huh?” Jensen said when he recovered enough to reach down and help Jared up. 

“Good thing I have some money saved up from living here rent free.” Jared said dryly as he climbed back up next to Jensen. “How ‘bout I buy us the bed, and after that we start splitting the bills three ways since it looks like I’m staying?” 

“You're definitely staying.” Misha happily said. 

“Yeah,” Jensen agreed. “You're not going anywhere. And… this bed might not be big enough for us all to sleep on but it’s definitely big enough for some things.”  

“Yeah?” Jared said, dirty smirk on his face as his hand trailed up Jensen’s stomach under his shirt. 

“Like what?” Misha asked against the skin just beneath Jensen’s ear as his hand traced a path nearly identical to the one Jared’s had. 

Almost in sync, they each firmly rubbed their thumb over Jensen’s nipples, made him gasp in a sharp intake of air, shudder with the hot rush of pleasure that sent right to his dick. Pinched and rolled them, and God, both of them knew exactly how to turn him on fastest. How to get him hard so quickly that he was dizzy with it and Jensen fucking loved the way they were working together like that. 

Misha’s lips dragged wetly along his neck, his teeth scraped over his jaw while Jared sucked Jensen’s earlobe into his mouth, bit down just hard enough to make Jensen shiver. Of course, that might’ve been caused by Misha’s hand as it pressed against the front of Jensen’s pajama pants. Drowned in sensation, Jensen couldn’t say much more than a breathy, “Fuck.” 

Urgently, Jared yanked Jensen’s shirt up and off, and then kissed him, all swirls of tongue and little nips to his lips that sparked electric in Jensen’s gut. So hot when Jared’s hand closed over Misha’s and Jensen rocked up into it, low groan that echoed in his chest. 

“Think he likes that, Jared.” Misha said, voice lust-rough and dark. “You,” he squeezed his hand tighter around Jensen’s cotton-trapped dick, “and me.” 

“Mmm,” Jared hummed against Jensen’s lips before he kissed down the column of his neck. Down his chest and Misha followed until they were both licking and sucking at the swollen pink peaks of Jensen’s nipples. 

“Ah- fuck! Mish- God, Jay.” Jensen’s gut clenched, so fucking close to blowing his load in his pants like he was fucking fifteen again and then like that they stopped for a second. Let him catch his breath and Jensen didn’t know whether to be grateful they  _ hadn’t _ made him come in his pants or disappointed because the idea was hot as fuck. 

Either way, Misha peeled down Jensen’s pants while Jared got his own clothes off. Misha’s came off right after that and then there was more skin than Jensen knew what to do with in front of him. Jared and Misha checked each other out, and Jensen realized with a flash of heat that this was the first time they’d seen each other like this and if the hungry looks on their faces were anything to go by, they both fully approved. Misha’s eyes cut to Jensen’s dick and Jared’s followed. 

“Looks good, doesn’t he?” Misha asked, hand wrapped lazily around his own dick for a few slow pumps. 

“Tastes good, too.” Jared added conversationally and wow, the two of them talking about him like that hit buttons Jensen hadn’t been aware he actually had. Turn on was an understatement and the pulse of precome that slid down from the slit of his dick was a testament to how damn hot it made him. 

“Mmm.” Misha hummed, then pushed Jensen’s legs wide, just barely enough room for him and Jared to fit there, lying on their sides but they made it work for them. Pressed all up against each other and legs tangled together, half-off the bed, couldn’t have been all that comfortable, but Jensen didn’t have time to really think about that because there was suddenly a mouth on either side of his hard dick, wet suction and tongues. Slurping noises that sent jolts of filthy hot pleasure radiating out through his body. 

The visual alone was enough to make him moan out their names, pant desperately for air he couldn’t quite seem to get enough of. When he was shaking with it, begging to come, Misha finally crawled up alongside him and kissed him through it while Jared pulled out every little trick he knew to get Jensen off quickly. Sucked him fast and sloppy. So damn good. 

Misha’s fingers on Jensen’s sensitized nipples was all it took to get him right there, straddling the edge. He held on by a thread, just long enough to warn Jared. Roughly, Jared’s fingers took over for his mouth and Jensen let go with a strangled grunt. Hot pulses of pleasure slammed into him and his eyes involuntarily shut against it as he jerked in Jared’s hand. 

Suspended for a long moment in how mind-blowingly good it felt, he came back down with Misha and Jared up against his sides. They traded lazy-sexy kisses with him while they jerked each other off and despite the fact that he’d just come, Jensen was intensely aroused. The slick sounds of their hands and the way they took turns fucking his mouth with their tongues until, one after the other, they came all over him seared itself into Jensen’s memory.  

When they’d laid heavily back down on either side of him, Jensen gave them a few minutes to recover before he headed for the shower. Not really enough room for three, and he was the dirtiest by far. The two of them could use the baby wipes in the nightstand. 

He didn’t quite rush through cleaning off, but he was mildly anxious about how Jared and Misha would get along without him in the aftermath of their first time all of them together, so he didn’t take his sweet time either. Turned out that he shouldn’t have bothered worrying. He got back to the room, still a little damp, towel forgotten on the bathroom floor and found the two of them cuddled up, kissing slow and sweet in a way that made his heart practically burst with affection for them. 

Jared’s lips quirked up as he pulled back enough to say, “Gonna stand there looking all night?” 

“Maybe.” Jensen said, amused. “View’s pretty nice.” 

“Could say the same thing from here.” Misha chimed in as he shifted over to make room for Jensen behind him while he gave him an elevator look. Jensen chuckled and crawled into the bed under the covers with them. 

“So, how’s everyone feeling about what happened?” Misha asked curiously. Jensen groaned loudly and Jared snickered. “Humor me. Pretend like you  _ want _ to talk about your feelings.” 

“You first.” Jensen challenged both of them, a little corner of him was kinda paranoid that they were only doing this for him and he didn’t wanna influence their answers. 

“So good.” Jared said succinctly. 

“And…” Misha probed. 

“And I wanna keep going?” Jared asked like it was a question. At Misha’s raised eyebrow he cleared his throat and said more firmly, “And I wanna keep going.” 

“Good.” Misha said with that big smile that never failed to make Jensen echo it. “Me too. Jensen?” 

“I’m  _ so _ good. You don’t even- Just. I’m good with all of it.” Jensen happily said. 

Misha and Jared laughed at his enthusiasm but Jensen didn’t care. He was way too busy looking forward to figuring out their lives together and he just hoped that he got to keep this, because every time he thought he couldn’t be luckier, that he couldn’t be happier; Jared and Misha seemed to surprise him. And everything he’d gone through, all of it was worth it for this. Just the three of them, together. 


	14. Epilogue

So, Jensen was pretty sure their lives were as close to perfect as anybody’s ever got. They still got along great and the closer Jared and Misha grew, the more Jensen's love for them seemed to grow as well. He would've thought it was impossible for him to love them anymore than he already did, but each day he found new things to appreciate about them. Even when they occasionally had disagreements, Jensen loved it because he always knew that after they cooled off, things would go back to normal. And their normal? Was pretty fucking awesome.

The only real kink came about as Christmas approached. And that was what the hell to tell Jared and Jensen’s parents about their relationship. Misha didn’t have the same problem because his mom didn't give a flying fuck about social norms, so he hadn't bothered to keep it a secret in the first place. 

Jensen and Jared, on the other hand had to come clean to their parents about something that wasn’t always readily accepted, and while they liked to think their families were pretty accepting, this might be pushing limits, even for them. 

Didn’t mean they weren’t gonna do it though. It was the how that was the real question. For some reason Jared got it into his head that it’d go over better in person if they brought Misha home with them for the holidays rather than told them over the phone. He figured hospitality would make everyone keep cool long enough to come to grips with the fact that the three of them were happy the way they were. 

Jensen was about fifty-fifty on whether it was gonna work or blow up in their faces and Misha was pretty relaxed about the whole thing for someone who was meeting not one but two sets of parents. Because he had two boyfriends. Which, you know, wasn’t all that common, Jensen thought. Granted Misha’d already met Jensen's parents, so at least some of the pressure of a good first impression was off. 

Initially there was definitely some shock from their parents when they showed up, but it wasn’t too bad. Everyone accepted it fairly quickly and by Christmas eve, the day after they got there, they were joking about how Jensen lucked into getting two men of his dreams. To which Jared bravely pointed out that he’d gotten that same luck. A round of laughs and smacks on the back were his reward. 

Late Christmas Eve after everyone’d gone to sleep, the three of them bundled up and they went outside to look at the stars before bed. It was cold out but they sat down on the icy back porch steps anyway. Just after they'd gotten seated, Misha dropped a wrapped package into Jared's lap. Curiously Jensen and Jared peered at the lumpy misshapen ball of green and red plaid wrapping paper. 

“Open it.” Misha said softly, a nervous undercurrent in his voice. 

Jensen intently watched as Jared tore into the paper and slowly revealed thirteen Hershey's kisses inside. Quizzically, they both looked over at Misha. 

“It's a puzzle. There are letters on the bottom and you have to arrange them to form words.” 

Jensen just laughed, Misha and his fucking puzzles but Jared smiled and did as he was told, tipped them over and it hardly took him any time at all to arrange them into what they were meant to say. Like his brain knew without being asked. 'I love you Jared.’ 

Wide, bright and happy, Jared grinned over at him. “I love you too you big fucking dork.” 

“Nice man.” Jensen teased from beside them, smile fit to burst. “He tells you he loves you and you call him a dork.” 

“Shut up.” Jared laughed. “I said I loved him too.” 

“This is my life.” Misha lamented, obviously fake self pity in his voice, “Pour my heart out and get mocked by a couple of giants.” 

In a completely unsurprising show of strength, Jared pulled Misha onto his lap. “Aww, sorry baby. I can kiss it better if you want.” 

Misha and Jensen both cracked up at that, but once he stopped laughing, Misha leaned in for a slow kiss that made Jensen melt all over again for both of them. He wasn’t gonna wreck their moment by saying it right then, but that was probably the most ridiculously adorable thing he’d ever seen firsthand. 

After a minute Misha leaned over and kissed Jensen too. Tasted like Jared and candy canes, Christmas and home. When Misha pulled back, grin on his face, Jared dragged Jensen in for his own kiss with a hand on the back of his neck.

They all knew the kisses weren't gonna lead anywhere because there was literally no privacy inside. But cuddled up on the back steps, big star filled sky above 'em and a new year around the corner? Things were looking pretty damn good. Not all that many people got to find the real love of their life and even fewer got to have two. And Jensen, well, getting to have them both at once was something he'd never stop being thankful for. 

That they loved each other too somehow completed a circuit he hadn't known he’d needed to feel whole. Whatever life brought their way, however things changed, these two guys that he loved with all his heart were the solid foundation that everything else could be built on. Because what they had together; it was unshakeable, profound and this time, without a doubt: It was forever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thanks for reading, I hope you loved this fic as much as I do. 
> 
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